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What Would King Kong Do?
Contest Hosted by Joe Crowe

Today's Dilemma: This girl rejected me when she first saw me. Now what should I do?


The following is wise advice indeed. However, I do not think that the giver is the wise giant monkey King Kong.

You even have to ask? She is unworthy to be the receptacle of your future legion. Either devour her body yourself, or secrete something to keep her in suspended animation so the hatchligns will have something to feed on when they hatch. (kagato23@yahoo.com)

The rest of these, most assuredly, are good, monkey-like advice.

Hi. Remember me? Bigfoot here. Last time I tried to give you geeks advice, it killed my brother, Kong. So, I'll have to try and give you my solution to your problem. First you must

Damn that Henderson and his big mouth. (bblatt11@aol.com)

Instead of grabbing her with the left hand try the right. Maybe she thought you were related to Hitler or something... (kniofheart@aol.com)

Eat banana. When hunter people come to you village and shoot you with little dart things, eat banana. When you get taken in big boat to new city in chains, eat banana. When you get scared and rampage through new city, eat banana. What me trying to say is, when life gives you bananas, make banananade... No, that stupid. Maybe it supposed to be, every banana has silver lining... Grrr! That dumb too. How 'bout, always look on bright side of banana...


Choose a romantic evening to sweep her off her feet. Consider giving her a lovely night-time tour of some historic New York buildings. (etoilepb@hotmail.com)

First step: Brush teeth. Second step: Buy a body brush. Third step: Buy some deodorant. Fourth step: Ask girl again. Fifth step: After girl refuses grab her and climb tall building. (civ2starw@aol.com)

Mmmmm you must first try to win her affections. A poem might work.
Roses are Red....uuurrrrr
Violets are Blue.... (grumble grumble)
You sure do look pretty..
AARRGG (tears up paper)

OK try something else. Sing to her.
(crumples up guitar in huge fist)
OK, how about...about...mmmmmmmmmmmrmrrrrrrrrrrrrrr......SMASH BUILDINGS!!! RRRAAWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!!!
No wonder I can't get a date. I always thought it was 'banana breath'... (gotaltoids1234@hotmail.com)

Well, try and figure out if you had given her any wrong impressions. Did you brush your teeth? Do you have any unsightly body hair? Did you talk about her and HER interests? Did you break out of a giant steel cage for her? But she still doesn't love you? Does that BITCH know what you went through for her? Does she not care 'cuz you're a giant ape and she went to grad school? Huh!?!?! DOES SHE!!?? ROOOOAAAARRRR (khyron@hotmail.com)

Well, if-a you in tha Dino Delaurentis Keeng Kong, then'a you know, when'a tha girl reject'a Kong, Keeng Kong'a, he cry. But at the end of tha movie, when my Keeng Kong dies, evverybody cry. (markfinn@texas.net)

Step one.
Then wash feet. (themacrocosm@sympatico.ca)

Go find a biplane and hit her with it. Chicks love that stuff. (stercutus@hotmail.com)

Beat up Mighty Joe Young, that pretty boy bastard she ran off with. (Smarko98@aol.com)

Today, two speakings from the King provide an appealing bunch of wisdom.

Just peel yer 'nanner, kid. (Kurkzhare@aol.com)

She's not Jessica Lange, is she? Because Good Lord, that woman latched on to me and I couldn't get rid of her. Calling at all hours of the night and calling me her "big monkey". Then when I wouldn't return her calls, she kept derisively comparing me to Jeff Bridges and Charles Grodin on the talkshows and taking out ads in 'Variety' about how she got an Oscar and I didn't. Believe me, you're better off without her. Can't live with them - can't stuff more than five in your mouth at a time. (crow_steve@hotmail.com)

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