A few of you may have heard of that petition that's going around the
Internet; the one about how insensitive in the wake of 9/11 director Peter Jackson
is for naming the next Lord of the Rings movie, The Two Towers.
It's getting a lot of press. But I can't decide about it. The same people spazzing
out abut this petition are the same people who spazzed out about my . . . I mean
Alan Kevin J.M. Salvatore-Foster-Stevens' Lord of the Rings: The Novelization.
Besides, the domain name of the petition's originator ends in "slashdot." I
assume that the people who hang out at slashdot.org would be in the know about
the Two Towers book being first published around 50 years ago.
So I think somebody out there has really pulled off a sweet,
sweet hoax. Or as we call them in my hometown of Clanton, Alabama: a "Ho Ax."
Kudos to them—kudos, I say.
However, I would like to publish the thoughts of RevSF's own Art Guy Todd on
I am highly concerned over the way you all fail to see the social significance
of this! I am truly offended that you find this petition to be some kind of
joke! I feel it would be an excellent move to rename this movie, and the novelization
of the movie that will no doubt follow. Other books that MUST be changed include:
1) Huckleberry Finn: Move the story off the Mississippi where so many
individuals have drowned over the last two hundred years to a safer,
emotionally powerful river, perhaps Dawson's Creek?
2) All Godzilla movies mentioning the word nuclear, atomic or any Greek-lettered
ray should be pulled from shelves out of respect for the millions of Japanese
killed in Nagasaki and Hiroshima.
3) Pokemon just because I hate the little yellow bastard.
4) The 1977 remake of King Kong because the ape climbed those dearly departed
5) Any movie or book depicting individuals who embrace the homosexual lifestyle
out of respect for the millions of AIDS victims over the last 20 years (oh,
and while we are at it, any movie representing copulation between primates).
6) Any foreign movie with subtitles should be pulled from theaters and video
stores and redubbed with virtuous American voices out of respect for the
illiterate and those who move there lips while reading, since they can't keep
up with the subtitles.
7) All movies showing a dominant white male character out of respect for the
oppression he has wrought on the whole world.
8) Force all foreign countries to speak English . . . Correction, American, not
even the Brits speak good.
9) All instances of the word "begot" should be expunged from the Bible to
avoid offending the sexually challenged, small children and women of weak
constitutions while engaged in their Sunday Worship. Perhaps "begot"
should be replaced by the word "Football" just so the men will stay awake
10) All instances of the world "football" should be expunged from the Bible
to prevent individuals from thinking that God is particularly biased towards
one sport. One possible solution would be to replace "football"
with the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" just so we can all snicker over
minister as he attempts to repeat it over and over again. An added bonus
will be that people stay in church longer. (email@example.com)
And now, because Subspace wouldn't be Subspace without it . . . the "Joe
is an Arrogant Prick" department!
Subject: Sean Astin
I think your an arogant prick who has nothing better to do than to
find ways to belittle others to make yourself feel better. I hope you rot.
You mother [filker]. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Wheeeeee! "Biteme" didn't didn't say filk, either.
That news article I wrote about Sean Astin must be linked on a Sean Astin Is
Not Fat fan page, because every couple of weeks lately I've gotten a nasty note
You guys read it, and tell me if you get what I'm saying. Or not.
SHANE LINK TO FAT ASTIN STORY HERE.
[What if I don't want to? —Shane Ivey, web guy.]
. . .
[Oh, fine. Click HERE.]
Subject: Sci-Fi Weddings
my name is Ivana and i am a second year media student at Westminster University.
I am doing a radio feature about unusual weddings, for example sci-fi weddings
or etc. i dont know if it will be possible to help me, but it would be nice,
if you know some couple who had very different wedding from traditional one
and who i can interview.
thank you very much. Ivana (email@example.com)
There may be someone out there reading this who'd like to tell about
their wedding tux with the plush dragon sewn onto the shoulder. I'm sure there's
a Star Trek or Star Wars themed wedding out there somewhere.
I just got back from seeing Spider-Man. Now, that first
line and the subject line usually wouldn't go hand-in-hand. However,
there was a fire alarm, and I didn't get to see the last half hour or so of
it. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!!
It went out just as Spider-man was getting gassed by the Green Goblin after
GG attacked J.J.J. I didn't even get to see the MJ Wet T-Shirt scene!
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FINAL FIGHT SCENE!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did I mention ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Other than that, it was a great movie.
You are going to see it again, right? RIGHT?!
I had a lesser but still kind of similar experience. Missed the Hulk
trailer the first time, then went back (not to see the Hulk trailer,
but I was kind of waiting on it) and MISSED IT AGAIN! I know it's out on the
web, but I'd rather see it in the theater.
Subject: Spiderman -- For
Ha ha! That was the best humor article ever! Thanks for lighting
up my day, Jason! And I agree with everything the article said, even if it
wasn't true. Only allow the fans to watch the movie (a fan-filled weekend
is a great fan's dream), and screw the stupid B.O.! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
In this case, a good box office doesn't hurt, because that means more
superhero movies. Hopefully, though, there will be more Batmans than
Batman and Robins in the bunch.
Subject: More spite
>Cool! An anti-Buffy letter. That's not something >you get
every day. More spite!
Oh, I can bring the spite, baby. Let me simply quote this passage from
Screenwriting by Richard Walter: "A common destructive error committed
by legions of inexperienced writers -- and no small number of seasoned professionals -- is
first to fashion a theme and then attempt to wrap a story around it. . . . To
start with theme inevitably leads to art's lethal enemies: self-consciousness
Amen. Add to that hamfisted 'metaphors' straight out of a community
college creative writing workshop ('Magic is like drugs! Drugs are bad!');
the uncanny ability to render every single character (including and especially
the heroine) unsympathetic except the one they're going to kill off; the weirdest,
most subversively anti-feminist attitude toward sex and female power on tv
today; and writers whose egos are so massive that they think they can work
out their personal Issues through the characters, and you've got one big festival
How's that? (email@example.com)
A festival of spite! Excellent . . .
I would like to read a longer article about this. But OH NO . . . I wouldn't want
to make you people LIFT A FINGER.
Subject: Greed, and the
pursuit of happiness
It'd make me very happy to buy a simple, $12.95 paperback illustrated
screenplay for Star Wars, Episode II. Can I, though? NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I found out (from a fellow SW fan while waiting to purchase advance tickets
for said movie -- woo-hoo!) that the screenplay is included in the $25.00 "Art
of Episode II" behemoth (Apparently I didn't read the fine print in the review
of that book, found elsewhere on this glorious website. I think it was the
initial disappointment expressed near the beginning of the review that put
me off). Eegad. Is Lucas behind on his mortgage? I can use the difference
in price to see Episode II a couple . . . more . . . Er, nevermind.
BUT NOTE! The rise in ticket prices (the first since three years ago, when
Episode I came out . . . hmmmm) doesn't have anything to do with Lucas or Star
Wars . . . it's because the summer movie season started! Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.
And I'm the Queen of England.
P.S. My VCR tape ended just as Spender was starting to respond to Scully
at the end of last week's (April 28th) X-Files! Why and with what did he inject
the baby!? Please respond! Tally-Ho! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Here you go . . .
1) The goofy, smarty-pants answer: He injected the baby with something
vaguely scientific-sounding, thus "curing" him of whatever bad mojo that made
the aliens want him in the first place. And then Scully said, "So . . . it's over?"
Then Spender responded that it would never really be over—and then
they put the baby up for adoption, as if governmentally-linked aliens couldn't
find him anyway.
2) The correct answer: Everything in number one
Have you just given up on the theorizer and 6 degrees contests? (email@example.com)
I didn't give up at all, as you can see HERE
and HERE. My computer
just got busted upside the head by a virus.
But that's OK, because I rubbed some ointment on it and now it's all better.
I just read your thang on Wolf Lake. i totally agree.
I also loved American Gothic. Sigh. Wolf Lake might get picked
up by UPN. One can always hope. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
The reruns are running there now, but that's no guarantee of anything.
Except more angst from Wolf Lake fans. You people ARE videotaping them,
This is just to say that I don't think they should have killed-off
The Lone Gunmen. Since they did, they should bring them back. After-all, they
brought back Mulder after he was buried. Killing off main characters
seems to be a trend and I hate it that The Lone Gunmen became part of that
trend. People who watch the show grow fond of these characters and do not
enjoy watching them get killed-off, especially good characters like The Lone
Also, The Lone Gunmen provided some kind of comic relief in the X-Files, but
their exit was nothing funny, it wasn't right. In a scene swiped from Star
Trek, these guys are trapped with some guy exploding with a deadly virus and
the next thing you see is their funeral. That was not a good end. The Lone
Gunmen deserved better!!!!
I'm hoping that the writers will see fit to bring them back. I hope to see
The Lone Gunmen in an X-Files movie if there are plans for one in the future.
In the last X-Files movie, they managed to stick mountains in the Dallas-Fort
Worth metroplex, if they are able to do that then they can certainly bring
back The Lone Gunmen.
Also, I've heard rumors of a Millennium movie in the future and I always thought
it would be cool if Frank Black and his computer-savvy friend, Brian Rodecker
could get together with the Gunmen on a case.
I want to see The Lone Gunmen back, they were the best characters on the X-Files.
Good point about the mountains in the movie. They better not forget
Doggett, who has gotten me through many an hour of X-Files these past
couple of years when I didn't think I was going to make it.
Subject: Chewie's Death
Yuuzhan Vong are silly.>>
No, they are not. Yomin Carr rocks. (email@example.com)
I admire your bulldog-like tenacity in clinging to your opinion, despite
my overwhelming belief that you are incorrect. You get a Get Out of Drab Room
SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT CREATIVITY AND STUFF! Design and send
to us via the e-mail (firstname.lastname@example.org) a brand-new
version of a RevolutionSF Get Out of Drab Room Free card, and we'll give you
I think Prue is the best actress of Charmed. I won¥t see any charmed-films
without her, because it wouldn¥t have the same charmed effect. I¥m very sad
that she has left the show and I won¥t want to see the other "sister"! (email@example.com)
My mom watches Charmed. I haven't the heart to tell her about
how the new Charmed sister Rose McGowan broke the heart of poor Marilyn
Subject: Neighbor of the
The neighbor of the beast is not 668 or 664. In the book of
Nomine Mutato, Satan tricked man to believe his number was 6, when it was
actually 9 -- six upside down. So if 999 is the beast, his neighbor would
be 997 or 1001. The folks at 998 and 1000 would be the 169 people, and
those at the 600 block are just self deluded. (ImADharmaBum@hotmail.com)
Not gonna pretend I know what book you're talking about, because that
would be wrong, but it sounds interesting.
Subject: WHAT YOU SAY!
Zim is getting the can AGAIN?!? NOOOOOOOOOO!
When will Nickelodeon ever get their heads straight? They know that Zim is
getting better ratings than every other show on the network (well, actually,
it's the only show on their network that actually receives any ratings AT
ALL . . . ), so what's the deal, huh? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Are the ZIM ratings actually really good? I only have about
48 hours in my day, so I don't keep up with that stuff.
I LOVE SPIDERMAN. HE IS SO COOL. Yesterday, I put spiders in my shirt
so they would bite me and I could get radioactive blood. It did not work.
I still like cheddar though. Shmoo shmoo I got a new shoe. WEE-OOO! NON BEGINNING.
Next, try getting blown up by a gamma bomb.
Subject: So much pudding
oh the possibilities! (email@example.com)
Which proves my immortal theory: Nobody doesn't like the puddin'. Except
for that chick who played the space hooker on Deep Space Nine, but never
mind her anyhow.