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Subspace: ARGH!
Hosted by Joe Crowe, May 13, 2002

A few of you may have heard of that petition that's going around the Internet; the one about how insensitive in the wake of 9/11 director Peter Jackson is for naming the next Lord of the Rings movie, The Two Towers.

It's getting a lot of press. But I can't decide about it. The same people spazzing out abut this petition are the same people who spazzed out about my . . . I mean Alan Kevin J.M. Salvatore-Foster-Stevens' Lord of the Rings: The Novelization.

Besides, the domain name of the petition's originator ends in "slashdot." I assume that the people who hang out at slashdot.org would be in the know about the Two Towers book being first published around 50 years ago.

So I think somebody out there has really pulled off a sweet, sweet hoax. Or as we call them in my hometown of Clanton, Alabama: a "Ho Ax."

Kudos to them—kudos, I say.

However, I would like to publish the thoughts of RevSF's own Art Guy Todd on the matter:

I am highly concerned over the way you all fail to see the social significance of this! I am truly offended that you find this petition to be some kind of joke! I feel it would be an excellent move to rename this movie, and the novelization of the movie that will no doubt follow. Other books that MUST be changed include:

1) Huckleberry Finn: Move the story off the Mississippi where so many individuals have drowned over the last two hundred years to a safer, less
emotionally powerful river, perhaps Dawson's Creek?

2) All Godzilla movies mentioning the word nuclear, atomic or any Greek-lettered ray should be pulled from shelves out of respect for the millions of Japanese killed in Nagasaki and Hiroshima.

3) Pokemon just because I hate the little yellow bastard.

4) The 1977 remake of King Kong because the ape climbed those dearly departed towers.

5) Any movie or book depicting individuals who embrace the homosexual lifestyle out of respect for the millions of AIDS victims over the last 20 years (oh, and while we are at it, any movie representing copulation between primates).

6) Any foreign movie with subtitles should be pulled from theaters and video stores and redubbed with virtuous American voices out of respect for the
illiterate and those who move there lips while reading, since they can't keep up with the subtitles.

7) All movies showing a dominant white male character out of respect for the oppression he has wrought on the whole world.

8) Force all foreign countries to speak English . . . Correction, American, not even the Brits speak good.

9) All instances of the word "begot" should be expunged from the Bible to avoid offending the sexually challenged, small children and women of weak
constitutions while engaged in their Sunday Worship. Perhaps "begot" should be replaced by the word "Football" just so the men will stay awake during
Sunday services.

10) All instances of the world "football" should be expunged from the Bible to prevent individuals from thinking that God is particularly biased towards any
one sport. One possible solution would be to replace "football" with the word "antidisestablishmentarianism" just so we can all snicker over the
minister as he attempts to repeat it over and over again. An added bonus will be that people stay in church longer. (rockyhorrr@aol.com)

And now, because Subspace wouldn't be Subspace without it . . . the "Joe is an Arrogant Prick" department!

Subject: Sean Astin
I think your an arogant prick who has nothing better to do than to find ways to belittle others to make yourself feel better. I hope you rot. You mother [filker]. (biteme@yousuckass.com)

Wheeeeee! "Biteme" didn't didn't say filk, either.

That news article I wrote about Sean Astin must be linked on a Sean Astin Is Not Fat fan page, because every couple of weeks lately I've gotten a nasty note about it.

You guys read it, and tell me if you get what I'm saying. Or not.


[What if I don't want to? —Shane Ivey, web guy.]

. . .

[Oh, fine. Click HERE.]

Subject: Sci-Fi Weddings

my name is Ivana and i am a second year media student at Westminster University. I am doing a radio feature about unusual weddings, for example sci-fi weddings or etc. i dont know if it will be possible to help me, but it would be nice, if you know some couple who had very different wedding from traditional one and who i can interview.

thank you very much. Ivana (jeremywatson@compuserve.com)

There may be someone out there reading this who'd like to tell about their wedding tux with the plush dragon sewn onto the shoulder. I'm sure there's a Star Trek or Star Wars themed wedding out there somewhere.

Subject: ARGH!!!!!!
I just got back from seeing Spider-Man. Now, that first line and the subject line usually wouldn't go hand-in-hand. However, there was a fire alarm, and I didn't get to see the last half hour or so of it. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!! HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

It went out just as Spider-man was getting gassed by the Green Goblin after GG attacked J.J.J. I didn't even get to see the MJ Wet T-Shirt scene! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FINAL FIGHT SCENE!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I mention ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!? Other than that, it was a great movie. (smarko98@aol.com)

You are going to see it again, right? RIGHT?!

I had a lesser but still kind of similar experience. Missed the Hulk trailer the first time, then went back (not to see the Hulk trailer, but I was kind of waiting on it) and MISSED IT AGAIN! I know it's out on the web, but I'd rather see it in the theater.

Subject: Spiderman -- For fans only
Ha ha! That was the best humor article ever! Thanks for lighting up my day, Jason! And I agree with everything the article said, even if it wasn't true. Only allow the fans to watch the movie (a fan-filled weekend is a great fan's dream), and screw the stupid B.O.! (fnchnst@cox.net)

In this case, a good box office doesn't hurt, because that means more superhero movies. Hopefully, though, there will be more Batmans than Batman and Robins in the bunch.

Subject: More spite
>Cool! An anti-Buffy letter. That's not something >you get every day. More spite!

Oh, I can bring the spite, baby. Let me simply quote this passage from Screenwriting by Richard Walter: "A common destructive error committed by legions of inexperienced writers -- and no small number of seasoned professionals -- is first to fashion a theme and then attempt to wrap a story around it. . . . To start with theme inevitably leads to art's lethal enemies: self-consciousness and heavy-handedness."

Amen. Add to that hamfisted 'metaphors' straight out of a community college creative writing workshop ('Magic is like drugs! Drugs are bad!'); the uncanny ability to render every single character (including and especially the heroine) unsympathetic except the one they're going to kill off; the weirdest, most subversively anti-feminist attitude toward sex and female power on tv today; and writers whose egos are so massive that they think they can work out their personal Issues through the characters, and you've got one big festival of spite.

How's that? (afroning@chatham.edu)

A festival of spite! Excellent . . .

I would like to read a longer article about this. But OH NO . . . I wouldn't want to make you people LIFT A FINGER.

Subject: Greed, and the pursuit of happiness
It'd make me very happy to buy a simple, $12.95 paperback illustrated screenplay for Star Wars, Episode II. Can I, though? NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO. I found out (from a fellow SW fan while waiting to purchase advance tickets for said movie -- woo-hoo!) that the screenplay is included in the $25.00 "Art of Episode II" behemoth (Apparently I didn't read the fine print in the review of that book, found elsewhere on this glorious website. I think it was the initial disappointment expressed near the beginning of the review that put me off). Eegad. Is Lucas behind on his mortgage? I can use the difference in price to see Episode II a couple . . . more . . . Er, nevermind.

BUT NOTE! The rise in ticket prices (the first since three years ago, when Episode I came out . . . hmmmm) doesn't have anything to do with Lucas or Star Wars . . . it's because the summer movie season started! Wink-wink, nudge-nudge. And I'm the Queen of England.

P.S. My VCR tape ended just as Spender was starting to respond to Scully at the end of last week's (April 28th) X-Files! Why and with what did he inject the baby!? Please respond! Tally-Ho! (changer4508@hotmail.com)

Here you go . . .

1) The goofy, smarty-pants answer: He injected the baby with something vaguely scientific-sounding, thus "curing" him of whatever bad mojo that made the aliens want him in the first place. And then Scully said, "So . . . it's over?" Then Spender responded that it would never really be overand then they put the baby up for adoption, as if governmentally-linked aliens couldn't find him anyway.

2) The correct answer: Everything in number one actually happened.

Subject: Theorizer-6 degree- depression
Have you just given up on the theorizer and 6 degrees contests? (nobody.you.know@nsa.guilty)

I didn't give up at all, as you can see HERE and HERE. My computer just got busted upside the head by a virus.

But that's OK, because I rubbed some ointment on it and now it's all better.

Subject: Wolf Lake
I just read your thang on Wolf Lake. i totally agree. I also loved American Gothic. Sigh. Wolf Lake might get picked up by UPN. One can always hope. (lloki@earthlink.net)

The reruns are running there now, but that's no guarantee of anything.

Except more angst from Wolf Lake fans. You people ARE videotaping them, aren't you?


Subject: The Lone Gunmen
This is just to say that I don't think they should have killed-off The Lone Gunmen. Since they did, they should bring them back. After-all, they brought back Mulder after he was buried. Killing off main characters seems to be a trend and I hate it that The Lone Gunmen became part of that trend. People who watch the show grow fond of these characters and do not enjoy watching them get killed-off, especially good characters like The Lone Gunmen.

Also, The Lone Gunmen provided some kind of comic relief in the X-Files, but their exit was nothing funny, it wasn't right. In a scene swiped from Star Trek, these guys are trapped with some guy exploding with a deadly virus and the next thing you see is their funeral. That was not a good end. The Lone Gunmen deserved better!!!!

I'm hoping that the writers will see fit to bring them back. I hope to see The Lone Gunmen in an X-Files movie if there are plans for one in the future. In the last X-Files movie, they managed to stick mountains in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex, if they are able to do that then they can certainly bring back The Lone Gunmen.

Also, I've heard rumors of a Millennium movie in the future and I always thought it would be cool if Frank Black and his computer-savvy friend, Brian Rodecker could get together with the Gunmen on a case.

I want to see The Lone Gunmen back, they were the best characters on the X-Files. (angelfish070@attbi.com)

Good point about the mountains in the movie. They better not forget Doggett, who has gotten me through many an hour of X-Files these past couple of years when I didn't think I was going to make it.

Subject: Chewie's Death
<the Yuuzhan Vong are silly.>>

No, they are not. Yomin Carr rocks. (wolvie110@hotmail.com)

I admire your bulldog-like tenacity in clinging to your opinion, despite my overwhelming belief that you are incorrect. You get a Get Out of Drab Room Free card.

SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT CREATIVITY AND STUFF! Design and send to us via the e-mail (subspace@revolutionsf.com) a brand-new version of a RevolutionSF Get Out of Drab Room Free card, and we'll give you some stuff.

Subject: Shannen
I think Prue is the best actress of Charmed. I won¥t see any charmed-films without her, because it wouldn¥t have the same charmed effect. I¥m very sad that she has left the show and I won¥t want to see the other "sister"! (fliehendespferd@uboot.com)

My mom watches Charmed. I haven't the heart to tell her about how the new Charmed sister Rose McGowan broke the heart of poor Marilyn Manson.

Subject: Neighbor of the Beast
The neighbor of the beast is not 668 or 664. In the book of Nomine Mutato, Satan tricked man to believe his number was 6, when it was actually 9 -- six upside down. So if 999 is the beast, his neighbor would be 997 or 1001. The folks at 998 and 1000 would be the 169 people, and those at the 600 block are just self deluded. (ImADharmaBum@hotmail.com)

Not gonna pretend I know what book you're talking about, because that would be wrong, but it sounds interesting.

Subject: WHAT YOU SAY!
Zim is getting the can AGAIN?!? NOOOOOOOOOO!

When will Nickelodeon ever get their heads straight? They know that Zim is getting better ratings than every other show on the network (well, actually, it's the only show on their network that actually receives any ratings AT ALL . . . ), so what's the deal, huh? (fnchnst@cox.net)

Are the ZIM ratings actually really good? I only have about 48 hours in my day, so I don't keep up with that stuff.

I LOVE SPIDERMAN. HE IS SO COOL. Yesterday, I put spiders in my shirt so they would bite me and I could get radioactive blood. It did not work. I still like cheddar though. Shmoo shmoo I got a new shoe. WEE-OOO! NON BEGINNING. (spoot_spooty_zim@hotmail.com)

Next, try getting blown up by a gamma bomb.

Subject: So much pudding goodness

oh the possibilities! (drobviousso@excite.com)

Which proves my immortal theory: Nobody doesn't like the puddin'. Except for that chick who played the space hooker on Deep Space Nine, but never mind her anyhow.

RevolutionSF news editor Joe Crowe's favorite flavor of puddin' is vanilla wafer, hold the bananas.

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