This week I shall do something really fun for you people, but you don't know
how fun it is yet. When going through a bunch of old archived things, I found
a smattering of comedic things that I wrote back when I was in college at the
University of Montevallo from around 1988 to 1992. (You remember the early 90s
-- that was back when we bombed the living crap out of countries, not just talked
about wanting to do it.)
So here is a little bit of vintage Joe Crowe, from the Joe Crowe Archives
of Hilarity. Remember that the material was written over 10 years ago, so some
of it might be dated (which makes it different from me at that time... Yeah!
I still got it!)
He-Man's Top Ten Complaints
10. Fur loincloth chafes
9. Cartoon sex is so animated
8. Turtles get all the babes
7. What an acting range on that Dolph Lundgren jerk!
6. I may not be anatomically correct
5. Isn't there an easier way to change clothes than being struck by lightning?
4. How come the "master of the universe" is only six inches tall?
3. Barbie won't return my calls
2. It's difficult to store 50 feet of grappling hook in your shorts
1. Battle Cat is really just a big pussy
For your letters this week, I'm a-gonna do something different. This week
I shall answer every single one of your letters in song lyrics from the 1980s.
Let's go, baby. Let's go, baby! Come on!
ARRRGH!!!! I'm in 12th grade, last year of being with a group of people
that I have been with since kinder and that I don't like. Yippie! Well for
the first time it hit me about it being the last year. What the frell am I
going to do? HUH!? TELL ME!!!! I have no freaking idea, and while having NO
IDEA I have to take my SAT's, ACT'S and some other crap. Please tell me why
I am doing this? I'm so confused, I think I'm going to cry. Oh, btw before
I am off to cry my eyes out, I love this site. (email@example.com)
Every time I wonder if the world is right, I end up in some disco, dancing
Subject: Dr. Pepper
Dr. Pepper makes me vomit, literally. One sip and my stomach is empty, and
if I drink any other soda out of a cup which once held Dr. Pepper, I'm in
pain for hours. I thought you would like to know. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Is there any just cause for feeling like this?
Subject: Renaming Subspace
I think it should be called "Moaning and Bitching About Shows We Have
Known." Or maybe "Why Fox Channel is the Antichrist." Or "Sci-Fi
Channel--those bastards." Me, I just stick with Cartoon Network. Hey,
it's got a man in a loin cloth. What more do I want? Jaer (email@example.com)
Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Subject: Neato Stuff
Wow! I was surprised and pleased to be #1 in the Sci-ku contest. I didn't
even think you guys would post mine. But the best part - I GET FREE STUFF!
Woo-hoo! I ordered the Creature Features book with my points.
Listen, every Sci-fi geek/nerd/flatulent pest should sign up for this if
you haven't already. This site is sweet! (And I thought I would miss Zealot.
Keep up the quality work. Do I get any more points for brown nosing? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Turn around, bright eyes.
Subject: Firefly Review
At the risk of being classed as a nerd or geek or whatever the hell it is
you're calling it these days, I would take issue with a sentence in your review
"Let's face it, who has ever tried doing a space-traveling science
fiction show without the funny masked aliens?"
Well, 'Red Dwarf', for one. For eight whole series. And the movie will be
along any year now. As for 'Firefly', well, good luck to it. Joss is a god,
you know. (email@example.com)
But wasn't Kryten a funny-headed android?
Um... I mean, you're about as easy as a nuclear war.
Subject: Staring at my house from over there.
Kenn, when you first started doing subspace way back when it wasn't RevSF
but the other, nameless one, I didn't like you. I thought you were arrogant,
opinionated and annoying. Then I realized those things described me and I'd
found a kindred spirit who believed that sarcasm should be used on the stupid
to either educate them or make them go away. I may not have always agreed
with your opinions, but I do respect them and will miss your wit--especially
when it's skewering someone. Get some rest, man. You look like Hell. Jaer
I'm thinking of you. You're out there. So say your prayers.
Subject: Ticket prices for DragonCon
Just an FYI, I noticed you referenced the $70 admission fee in the article
you wrote regarding Dragon Con. If you order in advance, it's generally a
lot cheaper..to the tune of around $30 cheaper. While not the cheapest thing
to do to amuse yourself, at $45 for 4 days, it beats staying home surfing
pr0n....well, most times.
Check out the Drum circle next year, if they can ever figure out where they
want it to be. It's very interesting, and sometimes very revealing. Ron (firstname.lastname@example.org)
It ain't a crime to be good to yourself.
Subject: The Core (you know, the movie)
According to Variety magazine, Paramount Pictures has bumped the release
of its upcoming film The Core to next year. Paramount cited the need to add
additional special effects to the film, which centers on a group of astronauts
and scientists who must drill to the center of the earth to jump-start the
planet's inactive core.
Uh... Didn't they already show that in the previews? Whatever...
"The Core is a huge film with exciting, innovative effects, and we
always knew we were on a tight post-production schedule," said Rob Friedman,
chief operating officer and vice-chairman of Paramount's Motion Picture Group.
"In order not to compromise the quality of the effects, we have decided
to give the filmmakers more time to perfect them. It's important to make the
best film possible, not a release date."
The Core is now scheduled to be released in the first quarter of-when else?-2003.
Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed.
Subject: Three-Way in "Two Towers."
MY GOD!!!! I'M FREAKING OUT!!!!!!! (anonymous)
Not everybody does it, but everybody should.
Now here's the beauty part. If anybody out there can identify by song title
and artist ALL the song lyrics that I just spake in response to your letters,
I will SEND YOU SOMETHING IN THE MAIL. All you gotta do is send your answers
That's right! Something completely free of charge. I might not even make
you get them all. Maybe whoever gets CLOSEST, depending on whether I feel like
a jerk that day or not. Anyway, whoever I pick to win something will then WIN
SOMETHING from RevolutionSF.com.
And it won't be something stupid and crappy. It'll be something good. And
that's a promise from me, a promise that you cannot possibly hold me to.