Let's detail the so-far fruitless search for
the appropriate actor to play Superman in Warner's so-far fruitless search
for a new Superman movie.
Time Warner, who owns DC Comics, has two of the biggest entertainment franchises
ever, Superman and Batman, sitting in their laps. They made movie money with
Superman in the late 1970s and Batman 10 years later.
All the while, their competitor Marvel Comics was the slack-jawed yokel in the
big city, signing away rights on any napkin that would get them a movie made.
Something has happened to Time Warner in the past decade that prevents them
from making Superman and Batman money again. But I'm not here to name names
I never thought I would see the day, but now the cape's on the other back. DC's
movie fortunes are now 1970s and 1980s Marvel. They've even made their Howard
the Duck already, Steel. OK -- Steel wasn't a critically-acclaimed
comic character, but like Howard, the movie had a Brat Pack member in
it, Judd "Suddenly Susan" Nelson.
Will the Rush Hour guy still be the director by the time the Superman
movie comes out? Will the Alias guy still be the writer? Which of the
37 Super-movie ideas that are floating out there will actually get made? Who
knows? All we are doing is making fun of all the people they're allegedly auditioning
to play Superman. Never mind that whenever anyone has played Superman in the
past, he has been someone that nobody had ever heard of before.
Zentertainment says that Warner has said that they aren't looking for someone
who looks the part or can act well. They want someone to sign a 3-picture deal.
Well . . . I REALLY can't wait for this movie, then! Why don't they just call Gilbert
Gottfried? Brooke Shields would do it. Emmanuel Lewis is hotter than ever.
A lot of people don't think it's funny when you make fun of people simply based
on their physical appearance or other surface factors. So let's get started!
Formerly the top contender, until he recently pulled himself out of the running.
He is a man. No black hair, but they can dye that. Or they can say something
silly like they don't think Superman needs black hair.
Because he has done intense dramas like Black Hawk Down, and intense
crap-splatters like Pearl Harbor, he may feel like superhero movies are
beneath him. He may feel he is a Serious Actor. He had a very compelling dramatic
performance in 40 Days and 40 Nights. Unfortunately, that was a comedy.
Has been a contender ever since Nicolas Cage backed out to do crappy movies
and marry and divorce Michael Jackson's seconds. Reeves meets two of Hollywood's
main qualifications to play Superman: 1) He is a man. 2) He has black hair.
And yes, this does mean that the pie-humping dude from American Pie is
also a top contender.
He also has the "Reeves" name, which got two guys before him in.
Like Cage, Keanu Reeves is at the top of EVERY OTHER list in Hollywood when
people want actors. This is because he has been in movies that a lot of people
have gone to see. Per capita, the odds of him accepting the "Superman" role
must be compared against the statistical probability that he will accept one
of the 37 other parts he gets offered each day, and thus not be available to
Fraser was Action Guy in the Mummy movies. He kind of looks the part,
and kind of acts well (except in Dudley Do-Right), which may screw him,
if the above itinerary is correct.
Hot Young Actor from The Fast and the Furious. Doesn't look the part.
See The Skulls for his acting ability. Here's your guy!
He's a soap opera actor, but despite my reviewing Days of Our Lives and
Passions recently, I don't know what this guy looks like. If he's a typical
soap actor, he's impossibly handsome, and stilted comic-book dialogue won't
be a problem for him.
The Mutant X Guy
He fulfills the top 2 requirements: (guy, black hair.) He has experience playing
super-hero guys. His character on Mutant X is kind of like Marvel Comics'
The Vision. At least, in powers, not green spandex. He can convincingly let
things run into him and bounce off. This is also a requirement for playing Superman.
He almost fills the requirement of being someone nobody has heard of. He is
a regular on a syndicated action show. Which is only about two steps below being
a regular on a show on one of the mini-networks, The WB or UPN. Which leads
us to . . .
Also known, by everyone in the movie division of Time Warner, as "Who?" He is
a regular on a show on The WB, where he ALREADY PLAYS SUPERMAN. Will he get
cast as movie Superman? No sirree. Here are two possibilities why not:
1) The movie people don't want the public to think this movie is a big-budget
sequel to Smallville. They want to do their version of Superman. And
by that, they mean whatever they feel like Superman ought to be like. Some reports
have even said that Smallville would be cancelled to make room for the
Superman movie. Who needs money anyway? Let those WB TV guys have Gilmore
2) They don't even know there is a Superman TV show, because no division of
Warner seems to know that any other division exists. "Superman comes from a
There's nothing I can do about reason 2 except mail them a TV Guide.
But let me now refute reason 1.
People will go see a Superman movie. Without a doubt. This movie has
some money for Time Warner, but they're fretting too much about it. It doesn't
matter who's in it. So they should make their movie and get it over with. Will
it be a good movie? They never worry about that any other time.
But here's the thing. Smallville is off-the-page excellent this season,
the episode guest-starring Christopher Reeve in particular. I defy them to do
better than when Reeve's character tells Clark about the message from Krypton,
and the Superman movie theme swells in the background.
Whoever gets cast, this movie is Smallville's bitch.