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Subspace: Excerpted Nonsequitor
Hosted by Shane Ivey, July 26, 2003

Hi folks, Shane Ivey here. Joe Crowe is off today -- as in, off doing the contests and writing a few features before deadline hits and I have to yell at him like a crotchety old black police lieutenant hassling an insubordinate hotshot in a 1980s detective comedy. "CROOOWE! MY OFFICE! NOW!"

Subject: End comment on 3.5 review

While I respect your opinions, your end comment about getting the free SRD version and printing it at work kind of give me the impression that you encourage people to act like cheap f..ks.

Rest assured I will no longer consult your page as I don't share your attitude towards other peoples' property. (yamesh@hotmail.com)

From our Games Editor, Mark Finn:

You've misread the review, Hoss. Jeff suggests looking at the review notes and comparing them yourself to V.3.0 to decide if you want to purchase the books...and those review notes are being made available to the end-consumer, presumably for that intended purpose.

In the event that you are unconvinced, or only like a couple of the changes, Jeff says you can copy only the design notes down that you approve of...again, being made available to the end consumer by WoTC. And then he calls people who do that freakin' hippies.

Sorry you got the impression that we endorsed acting like Cheap F..ks. We were trying to imply that they would be acting like freakin' hippies. I'll see to it that Jeff's pay is docked accordingly.

From the article's author, Jeff Quick:

You say cheap f**k like it's a bad thing.

I didn't say don't buy it. I said check it out before you buy. Rest assured, Yamey, I will not encourage people to spend money on things they basically already own.

Now here's Something For You To Download:

Batman: Dead End is a fan-produced short film that made the rounds at the San Diego Comicon. It's online at TheForce.net. Want it? Go look it up. What, do I have to do EVERYTHING for you people?

Subject: Pudding

Normal pudding doesn't kill people, not even Tasha Yar. But that was *EVIL!* pudding. *EVIL!* pudding in outer space, even.

*EVIL!* pudding also starred in the movie "Phantoms" (set in Colorado, not outer space), where it turned into a giant face-eating moth and killed a policeman. I am not making this up.

Somehow, a giant face-eating moth in Colorado is even less scary than *EVIL!* pudding in outer space. (dchilders@cablespeed.com)

"Evil pudding" is an oxymoron! That gunk in Star Trek, Phantoms, and The Blob isn't pudding, it's just unwholesome goop. Like "blood pudding" and all those other weird British pudding-named concoctions -- I mean, really, who would ruin pudding by mixing it with blood? Now that's evil.

Here's this week's "The Man" nomination:

Subject: Shrek Goodness

we think that SHREK IS THE MAN !!!! ALL OUR LOVE KORA AND LATIE

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (no e-mail address)

There you have it. Never mind Howard Dean's fund-raising acumen -- according to the latest polls, Shrek is The Man. Keep your browser here for the latest from New Hampshire.

Subject: Smallville Annoyance Factors

Well, I've just watched the Season 2 finale, and let the word go out throughout the nation: Lana Lang is NOT the most annoying character in "Smallville". Granted, nothing she ever does makes the slightest bit of sense, but she is at least easy on the eye, though to be honest Chloe is more my type. But where was I? Oh yes! The dubious honour of Smallville's most irritating people must surely go to Jonathan and Martha Kent.

Let me expound:

We all know that it is Clark's parents who shape his eventual destiny and provide him with a moral compass. Fine. But does that mean they always have to be so bloody predictable? In any given situation you can be sure of exactly how they will react. It's just so cliched: Jonathan, the headstrong, independent -but caring! - husband and father, and Martha, the loving homemaker (think she's an independent woman with her own career now? Then why is she still pictured in the Kent kitchen in the opening credits?). Whatever problem Clark's got himself into this week, you can be sure that after some disapproving looks and a moral lecture, mom and pa will be proved right and harmony will be restored.

Buffy did the whole good / bad parent thing so much better in season three, of course, with disreputable sacked watcher Giles and the outwardly respectable Mayor shepherding Buffy and Faith down their respective paths to hero-ness and villainy. They didn't drum it in, but it was always there in the background. But Lex is the only one of the main families who has the capacity to surprise me these days. Lionel Luthor's not much better than the Kents, always quoting the classics at his kid. A message to the writers: All right. We get it, you're clever. Well done. Now stop it.

I actually quite like Smallville, although re-reading this I'm not sure why. It's entertaining, I suppose, but you can't help but come away from episodes feeling a tiny bit let down.

Or, as Jonathan Kent would put it: "Son, I'm disappointed in you." (simmons8464@yahoo.com)

My only regret is that they don't let Pa Kent lapse back into his old Dukes of Hazzard drawl. That and their unreasonable policy against putting Lana in a pair of Daisy Dukes in just about every scene.

Subject: Hulk

Hmm, after reading the Hulk Sci-kus a came to a rather sad conclusion. AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO LIKED THE HULK? Is my taste in movies really that bad, I mean come on... The CGI wasn't fabulous but it was better than a guy in funky body paint and a louse ridden wig. I'm not a prior Hulk fan. Always thought it looked kinda cheesy. But the movie wasn't bad. Basically a modern Jekyll/Hyde story. (I'm assuming that corellation isn't coincidental) A little slow at points but cool split screen camera shots, and a luminescent green guy throwing things and jumping around...... OK maybe my expectations are very low. (kabaian@yahoo.co.uk)

You're not the only person who likes the Hulk -- the Hulk's mom likes him just fine, thank you very much.

Oh wait, is she the one who got killed in the eighteen freakin' hours of backstory that the movie forced us to sit through before we finally got five whole minutes of the Hulk smashing things? Never mind.

Yep, you're the only one.

Subject: Up Yours Nemesis

Hey, man. How are you? I just want to say that yes, I saw this movie, and oh my God was I appalled. I agree with your site's article Up Yours, Star Trek Nemesis, and I just want to say that that entire article was more moving than Data's farewell. I loved Data as well, and I will miss him dearly. Goodbye, Data, we hardly knew ye! (laxington6190@aol.com)

My favorite part of Star Trek: Nemesis? The scene with the jeep thing where they drove over the dunes with player 2 -- I mean Worf -- shooting the gun while player 1 -- I mean Picard -- drove, and it was just like Halo! And then the other part with the little flying thing and Picard had to fly it through the corridors, grinding and crashing against the sides and nailing the bad guys with its guns, and it was just like Halo! And then the other part where they just threw nonsense together to get a quick reaction because they figured, hey, they don't care about making a halfway-decent movie so why should the audience, and it was just like everything else Star Trek has done in the last five years!

Subject: T3 Review

Shane's review of T3 seemed to hit it right on the nose.

Screw continuity. Screw the obvious fact that a regular humanoid carrage with liquid metal only leaves you with the drawbacks of both. Screw the fact that we can't get "Mr. Dark Angel" to direct it (and do we really want him too, anymore?)

This was a Terminator movie. I thought it was going to be a "fun", lighter action movie, the kind of shlock Anry has been putting out. Boy was I wrong. T3 was not a fun movie, and I mean that in the best way. I didn't come out with a smile on my face, I came out with the same dread as I came out of T2 with. Thats saying something.

And don't screw continuity. Mabye I'm being an appologist to myself, but I didn't think the whole pre-determination of this movie was that bad. I think both Sara Conner's views and John Conner's may be wide of the mark, and the truth is somewhere in between. But that's just me.

And I, drobviousso@excite.com, will continue in the tradition of last weeks supspace, and leave my email feild blank. ( )

Remind me to reprint our big "Up Yours, James Cameron" screed from the Zealot days. That was good, embittered fun.

Subject: Many, many compliments on your awesome site

hello,

i would just like to say this is one of my favorite sites on the web these days. i thought the fact you were able to convince the Almighty Jhonen Vasquez to come to a live chat was amazing (he cant stand that sort of thing so you obviously HAD to be good at convincing) and you constant updates on sci-fi related shows such as the dearly departed Invader Zim ( Nickelodeon will pay dearly.... -eye twitching-)

and all other sorts of stuff. your site is great and i hope you keep it going! good luck!

and please if you ever see jhonen, tell him he is great and what ever he does to bring such great things into this world, to keep it up! thank you! Sincerely yours,sherry (star21390@hotmail.com)

Believe me, he hated doing the live chat with us, too, but Nickelodeon twisted his arm with threats of not cancelling his show inside half a season. The poor sap.

But he's a really nice guy. Just keep the eye twitches to a minimum if you ever meet him in person. Like Britney Spears and David Letterman, Jhonen has been loved so much that it kind of scares him.

Here's something our anime guy Kevin found.

Someone named Ian Hill posted this to the MST3K newsgroup. I was very impressed and intensely amused.

----------------------------------------

NARRATOR:

"In a noun . . .

. . . participled by descriptive noun . . .

. . . one gender-specific noun . . .

. . . verbed too far . . .

. . . is about to verb!"

NARRATOR:

"From the job-title of Cheesy-Summer-Blockbuster-Name . . .

. . . one noun . . .

. . . one noun . . .

. . . in a noun for their nouns.

Corporate conglomorate presents . . .

$20 million actor!

$3 million actress!

Humorous comic relief!

Beloved Old Hollywood fart!

And award-name winner Prestige-Name as Meaningless-Character-Name in

VERBING TITLE NAME!

The only noun adjective than noun is pun-on-Title-Name!"

Oooh.

Eat THAT biscuit and like it, Hollywood!


Shane Ivey is noun and noun of sci-fi Web site name and managing noun of small-press independent publishing company name.

 
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