Hey dudes (if I may be so bold), either of you seen the Dolph
recently enough to slap together a review of it? I think
it'd be a good companion piece to the new Punisher
for Dawn of the Dead.
Sneezy the Squid:
Well, I guess that means enough people turned to page
106. Good, because I didn't want to be a mixed-up zombie anyway. As for the Dolph-isher
flick, I haven't seen it in years, and I've tried to scourge it from memory.
I totally refuse to watch that again.
While I admit it is part of why Marvel Comics films had the suck
reputation before X-Men
came out, it wasn't the worst Marvel film made
According to Stan Lee, Fantastic Four
wasn't made with any
intention of releasing it. They made it for legal reasons to retain the movie
Well, if you were to scratch that one off of the "Worst" list,
I think Punisher
is still better than the Captain America
I own two out of three of these (not Punisher
), and it behooves
me to write reviews of them, just for the sake of completism. But at the moment,
I would need about a bajillion extra hours. Which means one of you two has to
. So to speak.
I don't think my friends and I watched that movie the whole way
through, and that was in the days when I'd actually watch Steven Seagal movies
(not rent them, mind you. Just watch them if someone else rented them).
Hey! I like a few of Seagal's flicks. Under Siege
You're thinking of the Erika Eleniak scene. Stop it. In the battle
of the aging white martial artists, I give odds on Jean Claude Van Damme. At least
is half decent. Seagal's best work to date is that commercial
where he goes into a convenience store and accidentally beats up the guys who
are robbing the place.
Sneezy, since you like Seagal flicks, that means you can write the
review. I'll be seeing the new Punisher
its review. Mmmmm... Travolta.
Sneezy: I think I have it on tape here
Okay, here we go.
Oh God, this is bad. I had forgotten how bad. He's riding a motorcycle through
the New York sewers. And they look awfully clean to be New York sewers. On the
other hand, they did made Dolph look grungy in this. Did they use motor
oil to get his hair that color?
Hey, it's one of the few good things in this flick, the ex-actor Shakespeare quoting
wino/ informant. He was neat.
Hmmm, Dolph's done a real good job of dropping his Teutonic accent, which neither
Schwarzenegger nor Van Damme have ever been able to do. Maybe he should go into
politics. Wait, is Dolph from the U.S. or not? Time to IMDB. I wonder if I should
pause the flick while I look ... No, I don't think so.
According to this he's from Stockholm, Sweden. There he attended the Royal Institute
of Technology and has a master's degree in chemical engineering from the University
Wow. Smart guy.
Jason: Smarter than us three put together.
Sneezy: Not smart enough to turn down this flick.
Jason: He's dumber than dirt. Retarded dirt even.
Sneezy: Wait, there's Louis Gossett Jr... . Where's he been since this flick?
I wonder if this was supposed to be a comeback role after Iron Eagle?
Jason: Iron Eagle rules! Okay, well, maybe it doesn't rule, but
it's better than The Punisher. Hell, I'd be willing to bet Iron Eagle
III is better than The Punisher.
Sneezy: So Louis has been after Frank Castle, a.k.a. the Punisher, ever
since the mob killed Frank's family, which sent Frank on a murder spree against
the criminal underworld. Frank's killed 125 people in five years? Reminds me of
that Eddie Izzard routine. "Your date book must be interesting: Death, death,
breakfast, death, death, death, lunch, death, death, afternoon tea, death, death... ."
Why couldn't I be watching that? That's one funny comedian. I wonder if that show
is out on DVD?
Dolph is killing mooks at the docks. Where's his damn skull shirt? What, they
couldn't afford the t-shirt? You can get them for sixteen bucks at any comic shop!
Oh, there's the skull, it's on the end of his daggers. Lame.
Can't focus. I wonder how many DVDs I own now. One, two, three... . One hundred
and four. Not too bad a collection. Should organize them better. At least I have
all my horror flicks together.
Ninjas? Oh, the Yakuza. That's right, the 80s. Ninjas were everywhere. God, the
American Ninja flicks. They make this look like Under Siege. Ugh.
Someone should be punished just for making me remember those. What was the one
movie with Sho Kosugi where the evil ninja possessed the hot chick and used her
to kill people.... I think I'd rather be watching that flick. Hard call for me
to make there.
What the hell, did someone glue toothpicks to a golf ball? That's supposed to
kill someone? What's wrong with just using throwing stars?
Oh, the head mob guy... what all has he been in... Oh yeah, the guy who ordered
Harrison Ford's wife dead in The Fugitive. Great flick. Tommy Lee Jones
owns that movie.
So the Yakuza wants to wipe out the Mob and take over by holding the head mob
people's kids hostage. Well, the Yakuza does have those ninjas.
How the hell did Frank get that bug into the mob meeting room, much less run the
wire down to the sewer... My brain hurts.
I had forgotten the look on his face when he unloads the M60 in the casino ... who on earth thought that was a cool look? Now Frank is going to work with
the mob guys to fight the Yakuza to save the "innocent" kids. Why is everything
red? Is the tape messed up? Gah. That's it, I can't take anymore ... Hey Joe!
Jason: Where you goin' with that gun in your hand?
Joe: Gonna shoot my old lady.
Sneezy: Hey Joe!
Jason: Whaddya know?
Joe: We need a hit, so here I go.
Jason: Joe, Joe DimagiCrowe, we want you on our side.
Sneezy: Stop going off on tangents.
Jason: But I need the tangents. Just listening to you talking about
that lousy film is giving me narcolepsy.
Sneezy: Anyway, here's the review. Except for a few scant bits,
it's not good. VERY not good.
Jason: Are you talking about the movie, or this review?
Sneezy: Hey, you wanna write it?
Jason: You're doing a great job. I love the review. I love the whole thing.
Four thumbs up.
Joe: What about the DVD Extras?
Sneezy: I said, I saw it on DVD at Wal-Mart for 5 bucks, but I ain't buying
Jason: I have to support him on this, Joe.
Joe: But we need those features checked out or this meandering review is
just a waste of web space!
Jason: No, it's not. People now know to avoid this piece of crap, and learned
a valuable lesson.
Joe: Which is?
Jason: There is only so much Punishment a person can be expected to take.
Joe: You know the rule. Each Pun means 20 push-ups.
Sneezy: You mean the ice-cream kind?
Joe: I'll make you both watch Fantastic Four.
Sneezy: 1... 2... 3....
Jason: 1... 2... 3.... Hey, Joe, shouldn't you be down here too?
Jason: 4... 5... 6... Look. Right here: Joe says, "Each Pun means 20 push-ups."
Joe: Hmmm, I could have sworn that I didn't capitalize that "P".
Jason: Behold the power of final edit.
Joe: Hey, no fair.
Jason: 7... 8... 9... Talk the floor, funny boy.
Joe: Wheeee! Exercise is fun!
Sneezy's Movie Rating: 1 out of 10
Joe's Movie Rating: 2 out of 10
Jason's Movie Rating: "I abstain."