Andrew Kozma: Your reputation precedes you, Von Myers.

Jason Von Myers: I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruinin' my rep." She said, "You're only 16, you don't have a rep yet." I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back. Please." She said "No. You go to school to learn not for a fashion show."

Andrew: And that's a good thing, too. I mean, you call that a Fall line? A few crossbow bolts around the waist?

Jason: Um, right. Sneezy?

Sneezy the Squid Here's the skinny: Hugh Jackman is Gabriel Van Helsing, a man of mystery who showed up on the doorstep of the Vatican with amnesia. They saw potential in him, trained him and then sent him out to be a hit man for God against the evils and monsters in the world. It's supposed to be that cool "man with no past/man with no name" kinda vibe, but it struck me as an "I have no idea where he comes from" vibe. On his missions he uses gadgets made by Friar Carl, played wonderfully by David "Faramir" Wenham.

Van Helsing is sent to Transylvania to face down Dracula. It seems that there is this family whose ancestor swore that none of his family would be able to enter heaven until Drac is destroyed. (And I thought my parents could be demanding.)

Andrew: The movie, unlike Dracula, is almost all heart, and that heart is running on a constant feed of adrenaline. Some may see this as shallowness, and claim the movie isn't deep enough, and in a way that's true: It is shallowness equal to the distance from the skin's surface to the still-beating heart. It's certainly shallow, but what that characteristic allows here is a direct transmission of the movie's experience -- you can, if you let yourself, be completely carried along for the ride.

There is one moment of slowness. Near the beginning we are sucked into the main action of the movie with an arresting visual of late nineteenth century Paris -- the unfinished Eiffel Tower lurks on the horizon -- and dramatic music dominates the soundtrack (music that unsubtly says, "Hey, action is building! Excitement is afoot!").

Jason: Nothing in the movie is subtle. Though don't be dissing composer Alan Silvestri's main theme -- old world strings crossbred with electronic muscle -- which perfectly introduces us to Van Helsing and his world.

Andrew: A scream is quickly followed by a minute or so of setting the scene -- you know, dramatic walking towards the camera over computer-generated terrain, a solemn look, a dead body. The movie's tone is carefully set... very slowly.

And that's it -- whatever other flaws you might find with the film's particulars, its stabs at moral philosophy, or its presentation of Transylvanian/gypsy culture, Van Helsing is definitely not slow.

Well, until the end, end, end, where there is a burdensome minute that should have been shot. Or staked. Or both, then set aflame and, when almost fully burned, doused with holy water. Yes, it's that bad, a place where all of the mawkishness that has been an undercurrent throughout suddenly rears its not unattractive, but certainly unwelcome, head. It's a reference to The Lion King, for crying out loud.

Jason: It's The Lion King AND Return of the Jedi. Again, subtlety is not writer/director Stephen Sommers' strong point.

Sneezy:Stephen Sommers loves monsters. He has a passionate mad-on for them that is only matched by fellow horror buffs and young boys. This much has been obvious to me ever since I saw his fun B grade flick Deep Rising. When he made The Mummy, I was with him the whole way. His love for the classic Universal monster just gushed off the screen and I think his version will stand up as a classic. I am also one of those who like his follow-up The Mummy Returns, even with that bad CGI of The Rock at the end.

When I heard that Universal was going to let him run wild with the rest of their classic monsters, I was hyped. We were going to get a big old rocking monster-mash with Van Helsing facing off against the Universal Monster Holy Trinity of Dracula (Richard Roxburgh), Frankenstein (Samuel West as the Doctor & Shuler Hensley as the Monster) and the Wolf-Man (Will Kemp).

Then the movie was made, and I learned that sometimes it is good to have someone reining you in a bit and not letting you run wild.

Jason: Sneezy's respect for The Mummy movies notwithstanding, I think that Van Helsing is exactly on par with the Mummy movies. Which is to say, when it's good, it's jaw-droppingly good, and when it's stupid, it's slack-jawed yokel stupid.

Sneezy: There is a lot of exposition out of nowhere; characters just happen to know where to go or what to do next and someone else somehow knows how to stop the evil plans.

Jason: Like when they come upon some strange green pods, and, in seconds, correctly guess, "Hey, this is must be the still-born offspring of Dracula and his brides." Van Helsing's fought countless monsters in countless forms, and he's in the castle of a vampire who he know uses other supernatural creatures to do his bidding for him, and he's in Transylvania, the ruddy monster capital of the world, and when he finds enough slimy green pods to fill the derelict spacecraft on planet LB-426, his first thought is "These are vampire eggs." I mean, come on. What about demon eggs? Dragon eggs? Or even, "That wacky Drac, he's running a Hatch Your Very Own Creature From the Black Lagoon mail-order service out of dungeon."

Sneezy:There are also a lot of unanswered questions, including the main ones about VH himself. And when we get to the end where we expect the big reveal where those shocking secrets come out, we get bupkis! I think it was supposed to be a cool twist, but it felt more like Sommers didn't really have an answer and cheated the audience with a cop-out.

Now don't get me wrong, this film is not a suck-fest. (Except where Drac and his brides are involved. They do get some blood-sucking action, but not a lot.) It's just that I think he could have used a good editor to smooth over his script a bit and make sure it all ran together smoothly.

But then there are times where this movie is on. And when it is, it's fantastic. The opening scene is shot in glorious black and white. There are do-dads, widgets, lightning, and revolting peasants storming the castle.

Andrew: The opening also shows the amount of play the movie will take with us and with itself, since the opening is in black and white while the rest of the movie is, decidedly, not.

Jason: The whole movie should have been in black and white. I know, there's no way a studio would green-light a big budget horror movie in black and white, but if Sommers had approached it that way, the tone of the movie would have been more consistent. Frankenstein and his monster and Dracula and his brides (this movie's versions of them, anyway) are clearly creatures that feel more at home in black and white. In black and white, their theatrics and mannerisms make sense, and achieve a glorious silver reality. It's a sensibility which doesn't quite meld with Van Helsing's relentless Hulk and Spiderman CG.

But, hey, during the movie's three introductory action sequences (only one of them in black and white) and it's first major action set piece (the attack on the village), I was half-bouncing in my seat, positively giddy with delight.

Andrew: What this movie has going for it is visual flair. Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale), the gypsy princess, is dressed, of course, exactly as a vampire hunter would dress, especially if she wanted to attract every able-bodied male to her aid along the way (as my friend noted, those are some fancy werewolf-fighting earrings).

Jason: Beckinsale, by the way, is the girlfriend every geek is hoping for. She's beautiful enough to cause heart attacks, and she must love monster movies, since she's starred in two of them in the past two years (this and Underworld).

Andrew: Interior design seems to have been an especially under-reported talent of Transylvanians -- the village under siege by Dracula may have mud for streets and buildings in need of repair, but it is artfully disheveled to achieve that faux-natural just-out-of-the-middle-ages look. And the backgrounds, even when they are obviously matte paintings (or their digital equivalent), are beautiful, arresting, and, at times, vertigo inducing.

Although part of what the backgrounds exemplify is that the entire movie has that filmed-by-video-game-freaks mentality with, for example, a sequence that clearly screams Jungle Hunt, um... I mean, Tomb Raider. Equally a result of this tendency seems the grand finale where each main character is given their own personal demon to fight. I'm all for video games being made into movies and vice versa, but I take issue when a movie seems tailored to make bridging that gap easier.

Still, that's a small point, and that tone seems almost fitting for a movie that references (and steals from, in the best way) James Bond, Westerns, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and the original Frankenstein. The actors have a lot of fun with the movie and that's obvious, even in Jackman's case (that comment only being necessary because Gabriel Van Helsing is a semi-stereotypical emotion-deprived hero), and I especially enjoyed Friar Carl, who brings a touch of Monty Python to the whole proceedings. Nearly everyone does a good job except, perhaps, the vampires, but I think that's because of direction.

Stephen Sommers: Okay, now Brides of Dracula, be very sad in this scene, huddle together, then throw your arms in the air and do the hokey-pokey like you're voguing Bananarama-style.

Sneezy: They do that cool backwards-jerky moving thing that all good vampire movies have at some part.

Jason: I'm with Sneezy, here. Visually, everything about the brides is perfect. Watching them cower, or wail, or flash around the room in the ripple of colored silks. When the brides fail, it has more to do with the writing.

Stephen Sommers: Okay, now, things are happening so fast that I'm worried that the audience might not be able to figure out what's happening sometimes. So I want you to be my Brides of Telling the Audience What's Going On, and screech out things like "Oh no, stakes!" and "My children are dying!"

Andrew: Yes, even though I think this movie is wholeheartedly fun, I do have some quibbles.

Dog: Quibbles and bits?

Andrew: No. Now go away, pooch. First and, well, pretty much last, the writing. This movie is at it's worst when people are talking, especially the vampires. Dracula, in his worst moments, is fed lines that try and make us care for him, something Blade II did with much more skill. Even in a movie this campy, I can't forgive the line, "Too bad. So sad." Though it must be said that Igor has one of the best lines in the movie.

Sneezy: I think Dracula himself is nicely done. He's smart, driven and has a goal to accomplish in the movie. The only problem with him is that he just doesn't have the "oomph" that Drac really needs. The actor playing him just doesn't ooze the malevolence, threat, and sex appeal that Drac ought to have. He isn't bad, but he's not great either. There is more to being the vampire Prince of Darkness than having an Eastern European accent and being a snappy dresser. It takes real presence, and Roxburgh gets close but not all the way there.

Jason: Hands down, Dracula was my favorite character in the movie. Probably tied with Jackman, Roxburgh is the actor who squeezed the most verve out of an uneven script. I also loved Igor (Kevin J. O'Connor, who memorably played Beni Gabor in The Mummy), but, let's face it, as an actor, his job was pretty simple.

Sneezy: Sommers got the Wolf-Man's transformations right, in that it's very cool, and very scary to think about how it would feel. It's also pretty original, in that it's not the American Werewolf in London transformation style that most film werewolves have used since American Werewolf came out. It's quick and vicious.

When it was over, I asked my room mate what she thought, and she said "too much CG," and there was a lot but I didn't mind it so much. However if you really dislike CG effects, this film's really gonna get your goat.

Jason: It's gonna get Binky?

Binky: B-a-a-a-a-a-e-e-e-h. B-a-a-a-e-h.

Jason: Good point, Binky. When the final show-down is betwixt two bitmapped beasties (The Hulk is another example), it's a lot harder to feel emotionally engaged with what's going on. There's no human element to plug into. It's like watching somebody else play a game of Darkstalkers.

Sneezy: Overall, the good in the film was just brought down by the bad. If the script had been a bit smoother I think I could heartily recommend it to my fellow monster lovers. Walking out of the theatre though, I was left with more of a "meh" than a "yea!" feeling. I don't regret seeing it, but I'd recommend a matinee or see it at your local $2 theatre.

Jason: Matinee is always good, but I paid 12 bucks for a digital screening, and I still don't feel gypped.

Gypsy: Hey, watch it with the ethnic slurs.

Jason: You're right. And just to show you how bad I feel about it, you can have my boxed set of Universal monster movies.

Gypsy: Really?

Jason: No. Psych!

Gypsy: Indian giver!

Jason: That's Native American giver to you.

Gypsy: That's it, I'm gonna put a Gypsy curse on you.

Jason: I thought that was just a stereotype....

Gypsy: If ever you experience a moment of true happiness, you will get THINNER.

Stephen Sommers: Hey, can we get back to the review?

Jason: Where were we?

Stephen Sommers: You were saying how you paid 12 bucks to see my movie.

Jason: Right. I've always enjoyed Stephen Sommers' summer movies....

Stephen Sommers: Critics are raving: Stephen Sommers' movies are "ENJOYABLE!"

Jason: ...but I've never been exactly a fan.

Stephen Sommers: Hey.

Jason: I think both Mummy movies deserved to do well, though not as well as they did. Sommers' films haven't exactly earned my respect, but if they happen to be playing on a plasma TV at the local Best Buy, they never fail to grab my attention. Van Helsing is no different.

Andrew: The movie is best when all other concerns are thrust aside and action takes precedence. At that point, you can forget the stupid vampire children (that idea is only made up for by the awe-inspiring amazing take on werewolf transformation), you can ignore the fact that vampires have no nipples and that Frankenstein's monster really is mostly a prop, and even avoid thinking about the somewhat random use of vampiric powers -- you can simply enjoy the visual feast.

Jason's rating: 7 out of 10
Andrew's rating: 7 out of 10
Sneezy's rating: 6 out of 10