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Scary Movie 3
Reviewed by Robert E. Mansperger, Jr., © 2004

Format: Movie
By:   David Zucker (Director)
Genre:   Supposed Comedy
Released:   May 2004 (DVD release)
Review Date:   May 17, 2004
Audience Rating:   PG-13
RevSF Rating:   2/10 (What Is This?)

For the past few days I've found myself in a proverbial pickle. I'm supposed to be reviewing Scary Movie 3, and I simply cannot find the words for how truly awful I found this film. I thought about comparing the film to feces-filled diapers that have become part of my life with the new babies in my house, but that seemed too "Warren Ellis."

My next thought was simply typing the phrase "I hated it" over and over again until I couldn't cut and paste it any longer, in tribute to Roger Ebert's review of the film North, but then I figured the folks here at RevSF would think I went all Jack Nicholson in The Shining and never speak to me again.

Then I thought I should watch the film again and perhaps it would be better and I'd be able to write a better review.

Second time I watched it I fell asleep. Never a good sign. I definitely enjoyed the film better while sleeping through it.

My wife tells me I need to say something positive now or else the filmmakers are going to send people to my house to break my knees. Let me think....



Thinking about other things than this review....

Thinking of this review and crying....

AH HA! I have a positive thing to say. This film has the best performance by Denise Richards this side of her taking off her clothes in Wild Things and kissing Neve Campbell. Sure, she's only in the film for about three minutes and spends that time dying in the spoof of being the wife from the film Signs, but she's actually really good here. And she dies. Yay!

Okay, you paid for a review so I guess I'll start giving you one... dammit to hell. The film is of course the continued spoof of all movies sci-fi and horror, this time lampooning Signs, The Ring, and The Matrix Reloaded with a pinch of 8 Mile thrown in for fun. Honestly, the 8 Mile rap battle is the best lampoon in the entire film, and if you've seen the commercials for the theatrical release or DVD, you've already seen the scene for the most part and now have no need to rent or buy this dreadful thing.

Why is this film so dreadful? Well, for starters, it takes too obvious an approach to its lampoons. There is nothing clever in the material that a five-year-old with a crayon and a piece of paper couldn't have written. Perhaps if the Wayans brothers had continued to be involved in this film then it would have lived up to the fun of the first Scary Movie; but they didn't.

The actors (except for the previously mentioned Denise Richards) all walk through Scary Movie 3 like zombies from the original Night of the Living Dead, only without occasionally getting shot in the head. Even the usually funny Leslie Nielson stumbles through without direction or laughter. This film felt like it went on for about five hours too long, which is odd since the film is only something like 80 minutes long soaking wet.

It amazes me what David Zucker is trying to pass off as funny with this film. Between Michael Jackson running over the little boy and laughing about it (made much more creepier now with the new molestation allegations), Leslie Nielson having his diaper changed by a white house staffer (he is President, after all, and doesn't have to change his own diaper), and the scene where Darrel Hammond is a priest who comes to babysit Cody and brings wine and candles for an off-screen pediophiliac moment, it makes me wonder if the success of the past Zucker films (Airplane!; Naked Gun) should be credited strictly to Jim Abrahams.

I'm glad that Charlie Sheen found work on CBS doing Two and a Half Men after making this movie, and that Anna Faris was able to be the surrogate mother to Monica and Chandler's twins on Friends (oh, get over it already). I just cannot for the life of me figure out how Scary Movie 3 even sounded appealing to them on paper to begin with.

What is even more shocking than this film being made? They evidently filmed this movie back-to-back with Scary Movie 4, which now requires me to go find a therapist.


God, nothing here to really mention either except the alternate ending, which includes a parody of The Hulk in which the Hulk pulls off alien heads by clenching his butt cheeks and then farting the heads at other aliens. I'm not sure why the writers found this funny, but I can see why this ending never made it to the theatrical release. The rest of the extras sank like whale poop in the Atlantic Ocean. Usually, there are some good nuggets to be found in a DVD's extras, but this disk is so full of hot air I could use it to heat my house for a month.

The truly sad thing? If you've read this far down, you've lost minutes of precious time in your life to Scary Movie 3.

But not as much as I did watching this DVD.

The Film Itself: 2 out of 10

The DVD Extras: 2 out 10

You don’t want to make RevSF Art Director Robert E. Mansperger, Jr.’s butt-cheeks angry. You won’t like them when they’re angry.

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