For the past few days I've found myself in a proverbial pickle. I'm supposed
to be reviewing Scary Movie 3, and I simply cannot find the words for
how truly awful I found this film. I thought about comparing the film to feces-filled
diapers that have become part of my life with the new babies in my house, but
that seemed too "Warren Ellis."
My next thought was simply typing the phrase "I hated it" over and over again
until I couldn't cut and paste it any longer, in tribute to Roger Ebert's review
of the film North, but then I figured the folks here at RevSF would think
I went all Jack Nicholson in The Shining and never speak to me again.
Then I thought I should watch the film again and perhaps it would be better
and I'd be able to write a better review.
Second time I watched it I fell asleep. Never a good sign. I definitely enjoyed
the film better while sleeping through it.
My wife tells me I need to say something positive now or else the filmmakers
are going to send people to my house to break my knees. Let me think....
Thinking about other things than this review....
Thinking of this review and crying....
AH HA! I have a positive thing to say. This film has the best performance by
Denise Richards this side of her taking off her clothes in Wild Things
and kissing Neve Campbell. Sure, she's only in the film for about three minutes
and spends that time dying in the spoof of being the wife from the film Signs,
but she's actually really good here. And she dies. Yay!
Okay, you paid for a review so I guess I'll start giving you one... dammit
to hell. The film is of course the continued spoof of all movies sci-fi and
horror, this time lampooning Signs, The Ring, and The Matrix
Reloaded with a pinch of 8 Mile thrown in for fun. Honestly, the
8 Mile rap battle is the best lampoon in the entire film, and if you've
seen the commercials for the theatrical release or DVD, you've already seen
the scene for the most part and now have no need to rent or buy this dreadful
Why is this film so dreadful? Well, for starters, it takes too obvious an approach
to its lampoons. There is nothing clever in the material that a five-year-old
with a crayon and a piece of paper couldn't have written. Perhaps if the Wayans
brothers had continued to be involved in this film then it would have lived
up to the fun of the first Scary Movie; but they didn't.
The actors (except for the previously mentioned Denise Richards) all walk through
Scary Movie 3 like zombies from the original Night of the Living Dead,
only without occasionally getting shot in the head. Even the usually funny Leslie
Nielson stumbles through without direction or laughter. This film felt like
it went on for about five hours too long, which is odd since the film is only
something like 80 minutes long soaking wet.
It amazes me what David Zucker is trying to pass off as funny with this film.
Between Michael Jackson running over the little boy and laughing about it (made
much more creepier now with the new molestation allegations), Leslie Nielson
having his diaper changed by a white house staffer (he is President, after all,
and doesn't have to change his own diaper), and the scene where Darrel Hammond
is a priest who comes to babysit Cody and brings wine and candles for an off-screen
pediophiliac moment, it makes me wonder if the success of the past Zucker films
(Airplane!; Naked Gun) should be credited strictly to Jim Abrahams.
I'm glad that Charlie Sheen found work on CBS doing Two and a Half Men
after making this movie, and that Anna Faris was able to be the surrogate mother
to Monica and Chandler's twins on Friends (oh, get over it already).
I just cannot for the life of me figure out how Scary Movie 3 even sounded
appealing to them on paper to begin with.
What is even more shocking than this film being made? They evidently filmed
this movie back-to-back with Scary Movie 4, which now requires me to
go find a therapist.
God, nothing here to really mention either except the alternate ending, which
includes a parody of The Hulk in which the Hulk pulls off alien heads
by clenching his butt cheeks and then farting the heads at other aliens. I'm
not sure why the writers found this funny, but I can see why this ending never
made it to the theatrical release. The rest of the extras sank like whale poop
in the Atlantic Ocean. Usually, there are some good nuggets to be found in a
DVD's extras, but this disk is so full of hot air I could use it to heat my
house for a month.
The truly sad thing? If you've read this far down, you've lost minutes of precious
time in your life to Scary Movie 3.
But not as much as I did watching this DVD.
The Film Itself: 2 out of 10
The DVD Extras: 2 out 10