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Sci-Fi Movie Preview: Fall-Winter 2004
© RevolutionSF Staff
August 01, 2004

For our Spring/Summer preview, click here.

Our creative pants are upon our persons once again, as we preview movies and such that are set for July 2004 until December 2004. Here's what we think about these upcoming things. Consider yourself warned.

Your panelists:

  • Jayme "I'm getting violently ill" Blaschke.
  • Joe "Sorry, Judd Nelson fans" Crowe.
  • Mark "People don't hack each other up enough in Hollywood" Finn.
  • Peggy "I'd rather eat bark" Hailey.
  • Rick "This one makes me nervous" Klaw.
  • Robert "Can't even muster the strength for silly banter" Mansperger.
  • Kevin "DJ Jazzy Jeff better have a cameo" Pezzano.

July 30: Thunderbirds

Jayme: If the Tracy family breaks into a rousing chorus of "I Got No Strings" (preferrably the Gypsy Kings version) then I am so there. If not, what's the point?

Mark: This movie would be a lot better if everyone involved would move their heads in an erratic, bobbing fashion.

Seriously, I know that this is poised to go over big in Great Britain, where literally thousands of forty year old Thunderbirds fans are waiting, anxiously, at home with Mum, for this film to come out, but the "young children who are just as capable as the adults" angle has lost every last vestige of charm and appeal for me. Frustrating. Will the Speed Racer movie be about Sprytle and Chim-Chim rescuing Speed and Trixie? This has always been a trend that mystified me, even when I was a kid.

August 13: A Sound of Thunder

Joe: This one's based on the Ray Bradbury short story about a guy who goes on a time-travel safari, then kills a butterfly, which causes a "butterfly effect," which I think results in Kelso from "That 70s Show" never being born.

Mark: As long as the T-Rex actually eats Kelso, I'm down with that.

Rick: Incredible short story which I'm sure Hollywood will manage to filk up.

Jayme: Well, they don't have Pierce Brosnan. I guess it comes down to which Peter Hyams director shows up -- the good one who gave us "2010" (minus those patronizing voice overs, of course) and "Capricorn One" or the hack who gave us "Stay Tuned" and "The Relic."

Peggy: James Bond vs. the dinosaurs. Fabulous short story, but what are they going to do for 90 minutes, reuse old Jurassic Park footage?

August 13: Alien vs. Predator

Rick: Two great tastes that taste great together. I can only hope this is as much fun as King Kong vs. Godzilla. Whoo-hoo!

Kevin: I'll watch Lance Henriksen in ANYTHING.

Jayme: Set in Antarctica. In modern times. With a hack director. The potential for this to be the worst film of EITHER franchise is painfully high.

August 13: Blade: Trinity

Rick: No thank you. I'm all full up on Blade.

Jayme: Yawn.

Robert: WAHOO! So happy! So happy! Go Snipes! Once this is done perhaps that "Black Panther" film can get underway.

September 10: Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Jayme: If you pay money to see this movie, the terrorists win!

Joe: This could be the best video game movie sequel since Mortal Kombat Annihilation.

September 17: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Rick: What a hoot!

Mark: My buddy Lucas said, "It's like they are reading our minds . . . ." Yeah. The only thing missing from this concept that would pull my head off is if there were somehow dinosaurs in the film.

Peggy: It just looks fun.

Jayme: Zeppelins! Giant killer robots! This one could very well give "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen" a run for its money of being my favorite film of all time.

September 21: Star Wars trilogy on DVD

Rick: About time. Just wish it was the original versions before Lucas decided to muck with them.

Jayme: This would be uber-glorious if it included both the original and special editions. As Lucas is an ass and continues to insist that Greedo shoots first, it will be merely glorious. But shouldn't the Star Wars Holiday Special be included on the bonus disc?

Kevin: I'll buy them. But I won't like them. Do you hear me, George Lucas!? I won't!

Mark: Up Yours, George Lucas!

October (sometime): Man-Thing

Rick: I didn't even know they were making this.

Jayme: It doesn't have Howard the Duck or the Stones of Oblivion, so what's the point?

Kevin: Ah, the Ron Jeremy biopic.

Mark: Because YOU demanded it! Marvel, the House of Ideas, listens to YOU!

For the millions of you who DON'T Know who Man-Thing was, he was Marvel's attempt to cash in on the current early 70's fan-fave, Swamp Thing. "See, it's a guy, who's sorta a swamp creature, only he senses fear and can burn people, which is not like Swamp Thing at all. See, Swamp Thing doesn't burn people with his touch. They are, like, totally different."

And who exactly greenlit this god-awful idea!? Why on EARTH would ANYONE outside of Mike Ploog and Steve Gerber be interested in a Man-Thing movie? Seventy-five different, bankable, doable Marvel characters under their current corporate umbrella, and they pick THIS? Who asked for this? What's going to make this NOT suck? Will they get Dick Durock into the Man-Thing suit? After two Swamp Thing movies and craptastic television series, he's probably looking for work. Dammit, Avi Arad (Marvel movie producer big shot), would you please E-mail me before stuff like this gets made?

October 15: Son of The Mask

(Release date not necessarily the actual one, but their site does say "2004.")

Rick: Does anyone really care?

Mark: You cannot convince me that this will be any good. That the first one was entertaining was a fluke all by itself.

Jayme: This film was made solely to inflict upon Saddam Hussein to force him to talk.

Peggy: Why? Who thought this was a good idea? Is there really anyone out there who can't wait to see a whole movie's worth of that dancing baby from Ally McBeal?

October 22: The Grudge

Joe: Yes, Sarah Michelle Gellar left "Buffy" to do "Scooby-Doo" and this. If there's not a CGI dog, Gellar is getting in way over her head.

Jayme: Granted, Jim Carrey is a versatile actor, but casting him in the lead of "How the Grudge Stole Christmas" is a bit of a stretch, if you ask me. Huh?

Oh. Never mind . . . .

November 5: Pixar's The Incredibles

Rick: Pixar plus the director/writer of Iron Giant equals a huge success in my book. See ya opening weekend.

Jayme: This amounts to a sympathy f**k from Pixar to the dumped Disney.

Peggy: The animators of Pixar plus the director of Iron Giant? Just try and keep me away.

Mark: Couldn't be happier. Bravo. God Bless You, Pixar. I'd pay in advance to see that they kept making movies.

November 10: The Ring 2: You Still Shouldn't Watch the Tape

Rick: I shouldn't have watched the first tape.

Jayme: A guaranteed box office blockbuster, in the tradition of Blair Witch 2!

Kevin: As long as it has Daveigh Chase in it. She's cool.

Mark: It was better in Japanese.

Peggy: To be followed soon by "The Ring 3: No, Dude, Really. Don't Watch the Tape. I'm Serious."

December 17: Lemony Snicket

Rick: With no LOTR and Potter coming out six monhs before, this may end up being the biggest movie of the year. Lemony Snicket is HUGE.

Mark: If they were smart, they would have spaced this farther apart from the Harry Potter films and cashed in on the boredom. These are fun books, but that doesn't necessarily translate into fun movies. We'll see.

Jayme: Fills the holiday void left by Harry Potter. It could reek and still rule.

December: Not Lord of the Rings

Peggy: And the race to fill the Blockbuster Gap is on.

Jayme: "The Hobbit" will happen. Yess, my preciousss . . . we must sees WETA's Smaug!

Kevin: Well, there's always the Silmarillion.

Mark: Everyone chant with me: "KONG! KONG! KONG! KONG! KONG!"

Sometime in February: Constantine

Rick: Keanu Reeves as Constantine is NOT good.

Kevin: How can Keanu Reeves star in movies like this, while Alex Winter gets nothing but a canceled TV show?

Robert: My favorite comic book character of all time and role model (yes, I am a sick f*ck of a human being) turns into a messiah-happy surfer bus-hopping slacker. Oye. Such a sad thing. Basing it on one of the best Hellblazer stories is definitely a bonus though. I'll end up watching it.

Peggy: You know, if I were looking for someone to play a smart shady Brit magician, Keanu would be my first choice, too. Now that Schwarzenegger's given up the business.

Jayme: Keanu gives me a rash. No, really. I have a prescription and everything.

Mark: Keanu Reeves stars in the worst batch of casting since Governor Arnold donned the Mister Freeze armor. At least they are picking the coolest Garth Ennis story to work from . . . . That's two movies in one year. He's probably drinking himself into a coma as we speak.

Think the RevolutionSF staff is full of crap? Tell us what you think about 2004's upcoming things at subspace@revolutionsf.com. If you agree with us, tell us that, too, because frankly, we're very insecure.

 
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