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Our creative pants are upon our persons once again, as we preview movies and
such that are set for July 2004 until December 2004. Here's what we think about
these upcoming things. Consider yourself warned.
- Jayme "I'm getting violently ill" Blaschke.
- Joe "Sorry, Judd Nelson fans" Crowe.
- Mark "People don't hack each other up enough in Hollywood" Finn.
- Peggy "I'd rather eat bark" Hailey.
- Rick "This one makes me nervous" Klaw.
- Robert "Can't even muster the strength for silly banter" Mansperger.
- Kevin "DJ Jazzy Jeff better have a cameo" Pezzano.
July 30: Thunderbirds
Jayme: If the Tracy family breaks into a rousing chorus of "I
Got No Strings" (preferrably the Gypsy Kings version) then I am so there.
If not, what's the point?
Mark: This movie would be a lot better if everyone involved would move
their heads in an erratic, bobbing fashion.
Seriously, I know that this is poised to go over big in Great Britain, where
literally thousands of forty year old Thunderbirds fans are waiting, anxiously,
at home with Mum, for this film to come out, but the "young children who
are just as capable as the adults" angle has lost every last vestige of
charm and appeal for me. Frustrating. Will the Speed Racer movie be about Sprytle
and Chim-Chim rescuing Speed and Trixie? This has always been a trend that mystified
me, even when I was a kid.
August 13: A
Sound of Thunder
Joe: This one's based on the Ray Bradbury short story about a guy who
goes on a time-travel safari, then kills a butterfly, which causes a "butterfly
effect," which I think results in Kelso from "That 70s Show"
never being born.
Mark: As long as the T-Rex actually eats Kelso, I'm down with that.
Rick: Incredible short story which I'm sure Hollywood will manage to
Jayme: Well, they don't have Pierce Brosnan. I guess it comes down
to which Peter Hyams director shows up -- the good one who gave us "2010"
(minus those patronizing voice overs, of course) and "Capricorn One"
or the hack who gave us "Stay Tuned" and "The Relic."
Peggy: James Bond vs. the dinosaurs. Fabulous short story, but what
are they going to do for 90 minutes, reuse old Jurassic Park footage?
August 13: Alien
Rick: Two great tastes that taste great together. I can only hope this
is as much fun as King Kong vs. Godzilla. Whoo-hoo!
Kevin: I'll watch Lance Henriksen in ANYTHING.
Jayme: Set in Antarctica. In modern times. With a hack director. The
potential for this to be the worst film of EITHER franchise is painfully high.
August 13: Blade:
Rick: No thank you. I'm all full up on Blade.
Robert: WAHOO! So happy! So happy! Go Snipes! Once this is done perhaps
that "Black Panther" film can get underway.
September 10: Resident
Jayme: If you pay money to see this movie, the terrorists win!
Joe: This could be the best video game movie sequel since Mortal Kombat
September 17: Sky
Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Rick: What a hoot!
Mark: My buddy Lucas said, "It's like they are reading our minds . . . ."
Yeah. The only thing missing from this concept that would pull my head off is
if there were somehow dinosaurs in the film.
Peggy: It just looks fun.
Jayme: Zeppelins! Giant killer robots! This one could very well give
"The Adventures of Baron Munchausen" a run for its money of being
my favorite film of all time.
September 21: Star
Wars trilogy on DVD
Rick: About time. Just wish it was the original versions before Lucas
decided to muck with them.
Jayme: This would be uber-glorious if it included both the original
and special editions. As Lucas is an ass and continues to insist that Greedo
shoots first, it will be merely glorious. But shouldn't the Star Wars Holiday
Special be included on the bonus disc?
Kevin: I'll buy them. But I won't like them. Do you hear me, George
Lucas!? I won't!
Mark: Up Yours, George Lucas!
October (sometime): Man-Thing
Rick: I didn't even know they were making this.
Jayme: It doesn't have Howard the Duck or the Stones of Oblivion, so
what's the point?
Kevin: Ah, the Ron Jeremy biopic.
Mark: Because YOU demanded it! Marvel, the House of Ideas, listens
For the millions of you who DON'T Know who Man-Thing was, he was Marvel's attempt
to cash in on the current early 70's fan-fave, Swamp Thing. "See, it's
a guy, who's sorta a swamp creature, only he senses fear and can burn people,
which is not like Swamp Thing at all. See, Swamp Thing doesn't burn people with
his touch. They are, like, totally different."
And who exactly greenlit this god-awful idea!? Why on EARTH would ANYONE outside
of Mike Ploog and Steve Gerber be interested in a Man-Thing movie? Seventy-five
different, bankable, doable Marvel characters under their current corporate
umbrella, and they pick THIS? Who asked for this? What's going to make this
NOT suck? Will they get Dick Durock into the Man-Thing suit? After two Swamp
Thing movies and craptastic television series, he's probably looking for work.
Dammit, Avi Arad (Marvel movie producer big shot), would you please E-mail me
before stuff like this gets made?
October 15: Son
of The Mask
(Release date not necessarily the actual one, but their site does say "2004.")
Rick: Does anyone really care?
Mark: You cannot convince me that this will be any good. That the first
one was entertaining was a fluke all by itself.
Jayme: This film was made solely to inflict upon Saddam Hussein to
force him to talk.
Peggy: Why? Who thought this was a good idea? Is there really anyone
out there who can't wait to see a whole movie's worth of that dancing baby from
October 22: The
Joe: Yes, Sarah Michelle Gellar left "Buffy" to do "Scooby-Doo"
and this. If there's not a CGI dog, Gellar is getting in way over her head.
Jayme: Granted, Jim Carrey is a versatile actor, but casting him in
the lead of "How the Grudge Stole Christmas" is a bit of a stretch,
if you ask me. Huh?
Oh. Never mind . . . .
November 5: Pixar's The
Rick: Pixar plus the director/writer of Iron Giant equals a huge success
in my book. See ya opening weekend.
Jayme: This amounts to a sympathy f**k from Pixar to the dumped Disney.
Peggy: The animators of Pixar plus the director of Iron Giant? Just
try and keep me away.
Mark: Couldn't be happier. Bravo. God Bless You, Pixar. I'd pay in
advance to see that they kept making movies.
November 10: The
Ring 2: You Still Shouldn't Watch the Tape
Rick: I shouldn't have watched the first tape.
Jayme: A guaranteed box office blockbuster, in the tradition of Blair
Kevin: As long as it has Daveigh Chase in it. She's cool.
Mark: It was better in Japanese.
Peggy: To be followed soon by "The Ring 3: No, Dude, Really. Don't
Watch the Tape. I'm Serious."
December 17: Lemony
Rick: With no LOTR and Potter coming out six monhs before, this may
end up being the biggest movie of the year. Lemony Snicket is HUGE.
Mark: If they were smart, they would have spaced this farther apart
from the Harry Potter films and cashed in on the boredom. These are fun books,
but that doesn't necessarily translate into fun movies. We'll see.
Jayme: Fills the holiday void left by Harry Potter. It could reek and
December: Not Lord
of the Rings
Peggy: And the race to fill the Blockbuster Gap is on.
Jayme: "The Hobbit" will happen. Yess, my preciousss . . . we
must sees WETA's Smaug!
Kevin: Well, there's always the Silmarillion.
Mark: Everyone chant with me: "KONG! KONG! KONG! KONG! KONG!"
Sometime in February: Constantine
Rick: Keanu Reeves as Constantine is NOT good.
Kevin: How can Keanu Reeves star in movies like this, while Alex Winter
gets nothing but a canceled TV show?
Robert: My favorite comic book character of all time and role model
(yes, I am a sick f*ck of a human being) turns into a messiah-happy surfer bus-hopping
slacker. Oye. Such a sad thing. Basing it on one of the best Hellblazer stories
is definitely a bonus though. I'll end up watching it.
Peggy: You know, if I were looking for someone to play a smart shady
Brit magician, Keanu would be my first choice, too. Now that Schwarzenegger's
given up the business.
Jayme: Keanu gives me a rash. No, really. I have a prescription and
Mark: Keanu Reeves stars in the worst batch of casting since Governor
Arnold donned the Mister Freeze armor. At least they are picking the coolest
Garth Ennis story to work from . . . . That's two movies in one year. He's probably
drinking himself into a coma as we speak.