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Dear Aby
© The Abyssal Lord
May 03, 2005

He's back again, that Dapper Dan of the Dark Domains, that phat cat with the chillin' rap! Ring-a-ding-ding and bada-bing-bing, the Hellish Honcho is at your service!


Illustration © Todd Shearer

Dear Aby,

My friends tell me I look like Jesus. Not Jesus as in the creepy Mexican janitor guy, but Jesus as in healed the cripples. Is this a terrible detriment from which I can never recover?

WATER TO WINE

Dear WATER,

Would that be the Max Von Sydow Jesus? Perhaps the Willem Dafoe version? Or maybe even the Jim Cavaziel edition?

My hairy friend, you look nothing like the "Savior" (sic). I met him in the desert once, you know.

When you get down here — and trust me, you will — I'll be sure to point out all of the differences.


Most Malevolent Lord of All Things Beneath,

A small quandry. I have been offered dominion over the Earth.

No, this isn't the problem.

The problem is that I'm not too certain if I want the job. I mean, sure, looks great at face value. Money, fame, all the naked, lascivious women there are to be had — OH, and I forgot to add. I get Enterprise back on UPN, with Manny Coto as EP, Paramount there just to sign the checks.

But there's the logistical angle. The day-to-day management, the eternal toadying — how do I deal with that?

Deepest regards,

A HUMBLE PENITENT

Dear HUMBLE,

Contrary to what you might believe, even I can't abide a liar. (Or at least one who lies to me — did the nickname "Father Of Lies" somehow escape your notice?)

You say you've been offered "dominion over the Earth." Hmmm, let me check my books — nope, haven't made that offer to anyone since that German guy back in the thirties. (Still can't believe he fell for it, actually.)

Then you complicate the lie by mentioning UPN and, gasp, Enterprise.

Even the Devil knows what lost causes are, my friend. Great Hades! I was lucky enough just to pawn the WB off on someone. . . .


Dear Aby,

Who keeps hiding my TV remote? Is this what it's like in Hell?

STUCK ON C-SPAN IN TX

Dear STUCK,

Yeah, right. Like we get cable in Hell.

(One channel. No power button. 24-hour reruns of Touched By An Angel. And you think you have problems.)


Dear Aby,

Ever since a recent mishap at a local wildlife reserve, I've been suffering strange periods about once a month in which I black out and wake up naked in the woods with the taste of blood in my mouth. I've also started growing hair on my palms, have developed the oddest craving for extra-rare steak, and am plagued with images of my neighbor served rare on a pilaf of wild rice with a side of baby carrots and beef gravy. Do you have any suggestions to help me?

WORRIED IN THE NORTHWOODS

Dear WORRIED,

Baby carrots and wild rice? With raw meat? What are you, a freakin' omnivore?

I'd be worried as well — you're a disgrace to cannibalistic hermits everywhere. Focus, man, focus! Some people need only one food group, my friend.

(And I think we both know about that hairy-palm thing, now don't we, Mr. Lonely?)


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