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Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: A New Hope
© RevolutionSF Staff
May 17, 2005

The editors of RevolutionSF explore their love/hate relationship with Star Wars. What do you love/hate about it?

Proof That Star Wars (AKA Episode IV — A New Hope) Sucks

This damn "Episode IV: A New Hope" bantha poodoo. It's STAR WARS people. Remember that! (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

They farmed water. They farmed water? (Shane Ivey)

Blue milk. What the hell WAS that stuff? (Kevin Pezzano)

No Biggs on Tattooine. (Mark Finn)

"But I was going to go up to Anchorhead to pick up some pooooower connnnverteeeeers!!" Like whiny father, like whiny son. (Kevin Pezzano)

Not having enough cash as a six-year-old to buy all the Star Wars toys that I wanted. I don't have the cash to do it now either, but I'm closer. (Joe Crowe)

The cantina scene is REALLY dated. (Mark Finn)

The "New and Improved" version added nothing of significance and butchered a characterization. (HAN. SHOT. FIRST.) (Peggy Hailey)

Can someone please explain to me why, why, why, when Obi-Wan sabers off that alien’s arm in the cantina, there’s blood, in spite of the fact that lightsabers evidently cauterize the wound every time they’re used in subsequent movies? (Jason Myers)

If Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far, far away, then why do all the bad guys have British accents? Answer: because George Lucas is prejudiced against the British. It’s no coincidence that it’s the evil Empire versus the Rebels. Sure, there are a few token Limeys on the Rebel side, but the message is clear: Yanks are good; Brits are grasping, slavish conformists, whose snooze-inducing one-color uniforms clothe a bureaucracy so evil that it will not hesitate to beat up on a tired old geezer, destroy an entire planet of hippies, and torture a barely legal princess with cold metal droid implements, all on the same day. George Lucas is clearly a hate-mongering anti-Britite with a megalomaniacal persecution complex. In spite of Lucas’s cursory disclaimer that these events took place “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away”, it is not surprising that, upon its release in 1977, this irresponsible incendiary material inspired legions of ignorant beer-drinking ugly Americans to perpetrate hate-crimes against innocent persons of British descent. Usually these cruel and embarrassing incidents were accompanied by the cry “You killed our Jedi Master!” (Jason Myers)

So does Leia have a faux-British accent or not? (Shane Ivey)

Despite all the added scenes and recovered footage featured in the Special Editions, Lucas still denies us Koo Stark on Tattooine. That's just selfish, man. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

The arthritic duel between Obi-Wan and Vader. Yeah, I know one's old, and the other is half machine. But it's still like watching two nursing home residents throw down. (Kevin Pezzano)


What does a Wookiee have to do
to get a little respect around here?
How does being struck down by the villain make you more powerful? Shouldn't all Jedi be more suicidal if that were the case? (Peggy Hailey)

The most convenient ventillation shaft ever built. (Mark Finn)

The Death Star can be taken out by one direct hit, yet no one thinks to shield that one spot? (Peggy Hailey)

The fact that, despite all the digital alterations and manipulations, the rebels STILL have the wrong Death Star plans displayed on their video screen in the briefing room prior to the assault on that battle station. Hint: The planet-destroying dish in on the northern hemisphere, not straddling the equator. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

The lines preceding and following Han’s change from loner to part of the rebel alliance. All those who shelled flak on the prequels for clunky dialogue, cast an objective eye on these wince-inducing lines: “Take care of yourself, Han. I guess that’s what you’re best at.”; “What are you looking at? I know what I’m doing.”; “I wasn’t going to let you get all the credit and take all the reward.”. And, the most painful of all: “I knew there was more to you than money.” (Jason Myers)

Chewie doesn't get a medal. Why does that still bother me? (Joe Crowe)

I've seen this movie far fewer times than my geek brethren, and still the dialog has stayed with me. "That can be arranged." "These aren't the droids you're looking for." Get out of my head! (That last one was me, not Star Wars.) (Joe Crowe)

Proof That Star Wars Rocks

Darth Vader's penchant for strangulation. Seeing Vader lifting the Rebel officer and choking him to death with one hand was the first time I was truly scared at a movie. With that scene, Star Wars' opening minutes — that blend of dread and sheer kinetic joy — defined the best in movies for me. (Shane Ivey)

The Millennium Falcon. It was our first pretend clubhouse besides the Hall of Justice that had a name. And the stupid Hall didn't fly worth a crap. (Joe Crowe)

The introduction of the characters that we of the Star Wars generation will dress up as and pretend to be for as long as we are still physically able to dress ourselves. (Jason Myers)

Han Solo. (Mark Finn)

Princess Leia kicking ass and running roughshod over everyone. (Peggy Hailey)

Carrie Fisher's body-hugging white gown. Darth Vader was the first villain to scare me as a kid; Princess Leia was the first woman I wanted to marry. At eight years old I was convinced that somehow things would work out between me and Leia. I just needed a few years. And an X-Wing fighter. Then she'd notice me. (Shane Ivey)

Plus, she fired a blaster and was no one's girlfriend (yet, anyway). (Joe Crowe)

The restored Jabba the Hutt scene in the Special Editions. I don't care that the animation is spotty. I — along with dozens of others, at least — had waited more than two decades to see this scene play out, ever since I read the Marvel Comics super-tabloid-sized spectacular in which the galactic crime lord was a skinny yellow humanoid with a big walrus moustache. The slug-Hutt wasn't the same as the yellow guy with the moustache, true, but it was close enough for me. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Our first introduction to lightsabers and just what a skilled Jedi can do with them. Obi-Wan, in the space of a single heartbeat, whips out his saber and slices the arm off a looming goon. Toshiro Mifune couldn't have done any better himself. (Kevin Pezzano)

Luke blocked the blasts from that training droid without even looking at it! That scene and KISS were the only things I talked about from 1977 to 1981. Then The Empire Strikes Back came out. (Shane Ivey)

Peter Cushing's creepy menace as Grand Moff Tarkin. Yeah, Vader was the dangerous bully, but Tarkin was holding his leash. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

“Had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine, we're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?” (Jason Myers)

The Jedi Mind Trick. (Peggy Hailey)

The SPEED of the climactic space battle, so unlike anything anyone had seen before. (Kevin Pezzano)

Han Solo's redemption. No one cheered louder in the theater than I did when the Millennium Falcon came diving out of the sun to save Luke's bacon. (Kevin Pezzano)

Tattooine: Still the most fully developed planet in Star Wars. (Mark Finn)

Princess Leia bringing more sass to her sector of the galaxy than any cosmic heroine before or since. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

This is the movie that — in subject matter, pacing, and special effects technology — drastically expanded the limits of what was considered possible for film-based storytelling. A world without Star Wars is likely a world without the Alien series, Star Trek movies, Blade Runner, The Matrix, Indiana Jones, and comic book movies. It’s certainly a world without Spaceballs, and I, for one, could not bear to live in such an unspeakably horrific alternate timeline. (Jason Myers)

Without whatever was in "Star Wars" that flipped the pop culture switch, we'd all be watching Kramer vs. Kramer VIII now. (Joe Crowe)


The inaction-packed block-nonbuster
that didn't quite start it all.



 
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