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Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: Return of the Jedi
© RevolutionSF Staff
May 18, 2005

The editors of RevolutionSF explore their love/hate relationship with Star Wars. What do you love/hate about it?

Proof That Return of the Jedi Sucks

Han's total character change from bad boy to grinning oaf. (Mark Finn)

The fact that stormtrooper armor suddenly becomes vulnerable to rocks and sticks. (Mark Finn)

Boba Fett's ignominious ending as a Sarlacc gas bubble. All that build-up for this? (Peggy Hailey)

The emotional scars that come from spending two movies — not to mention the intervening time between A New Hope and Return of the Jedi — simultaneously pretending that I was Luke Skywalker AND carrying a Jabba-sized crush on Princess Leia, only to find out that Luke and Leia are . . . brother and sister! George, you sick little monkey! If, as Leia claims, “somehow” she’s “always known” that they were siblings, then she was playing some pretty kinky mind-games in the first half of Empire. (Jason Myers)

"She's your sister." WHAT? EEWWWW! (Peggy Hailey)

Wait, wait, wait. Luke is Leia's WHAT?! Did they know that when Leia put her lips on Luke's two other times in the two earlier movies? (Joe Crowe)

Lando Calrissian’s rhythmically-challenged clapping to the Ewok jungle jive at the end of the movie is like Squaresville, man. Billy Dee spends two movies building Lando’s “I’m the black intergalacdick who’s a sex machine to all the chicks except Leia, which is unfortunate since, aside from Leia, the whole Star Wars universe is one big sausage fest” roguish swagger-cool, only to nearly blow his whole strut-cat image in 2.76 seconds of painful celluloid. (Jason Myers)

Lando doesn't die. There is no sacrifice in this movie, everything comes too easy for the heroes and it starts with Lando. Instead of a heroic death, we get to see that the token black actor can't clap in time to Ewok music. Death would've been preferable. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Rebuilding the Death Star was sort of a "What? Again?" moment for me, but they glossed over it because of the other important stuff. Like the Ewoks worshipping C-3PO. (Joe Crowe)

The Rebel fleet kicks Imperial ass and takes names. Hell, if the Rebels could assemble that kind of firepower and rip through those Star Destroyers like that — they sent the flagship Executor packing, mind you — why didn't they do it years before and free the galaxy once and for all? Again, no danger or sense of peril. The battle over Endor should've been a repeat of the battle of Hoth, only it's not, and that's another in a long line of cop-outs on Lucas' part. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)


You all suck.
Ewoks. (Peggy Hailey)

What we wanted: Wookiees. An army of bigfoot commandos taking stormtroopers apart like so many chess-winning droids.

What we got: The opposite in every way. Ewoks, not wookiees. Little, not hulking. Fat, not powerful. Cute, not terrifying. Even worse, we saw only one of them die. (Shane Ivey)

Is it fair to the films for me to still be irritated about the rumor of The Switch, Wookiees traded out for wacky Ewok pratfalls on Endor? Don't care. Still am. The Wookiees in "Revenge of the Sith" I think could be awesome. But I've only been waiting TWENTY-TWO YEARS. (Joe Crowe)

Ewoks. Just Ewoks. Pick any three of the Ewoks. Your choice. They're what sucked about Return of the Jedi. (Kevin Pezzano)

Proof That Return of the Jedi Rocks

Princess Leia strangling Jabba the Hutt armed with nothing but a leash and a brass bikini. That, my friends, is the definition of girl-power. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Say what you will about the Hutt, he has snappy sartorial taste where his prisoners are concerned. A brass bikini? Yowza! (Peggy Hailey)

When Luke goes to town with his new green lightsaber, we finally get a taste of what the glory days of the Jedi must have been like. When it was still years before the prequels, that was a welcome thrill. (Shane Ivey)

The reunion of Han and Chewie. I love that Wookiee. (Joe Crowe)

Luke finally stops crushing on his sister. (Mark Finn)

The smokin' speeder bike chase. (Peggy Hailey)

Speeder bikes! (Shane Ivey)

Speederbikes and AT-ST crowd control tactics. (Mark Finn)

One Ewok gets killed during the battle with the stormtroopers on the moon of Endor. Sadly, the same can't be said of a thousand or so additional hooting teddy bears. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

The Ewoks screaming. I can't decide if I liked best the Ewok death-cry, "YEEEEEEEEEEE," or the one that sounded like "Eat your mama!" (Joe Crowe)

That amazing space battle just before the crappy Ewok song. (Mark Finn)

The insane number of ships and laserblasts involved in the attack on the second Death Star. And all before CGI, too. Damn. . . . (Kevin Pezzano)

B-Wing fighters. I'm a sucker for great design work, and this asymmetrical flying arsenal is my favorite of the series. Some of the coolest ships in these movies — the Millenium Falcon, TIE bombers, Slave 1 — have an unusual, unbalanced look to them, and that oddity goes a long way in reinforcing the reality of this fictional world. But the B-Wing really does it for me. I have no problem believing a squadron of these could take out a Star Destroyer. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

The baritone male chorus music that plays as Luke comes THIS close to giving in to the Dark Side, as he administers a rather brutal beatdown on his own father. (Kevin Pezzano)

Vader turns on the Emperor. (Peggy Hailey)

The Emperor was so evil he exploded when he died. Now that's evil. (Shane Ivey)

The new and improved Ewok tribal music finale Lucas put in for the Special Edition achieves the almost transcendent tear-to-the-eye end-of-an-epic feeling that should accompany the culmination of Lucas’s trilogy. Original-release Ewok lyrics like “Yub nub, we-bop-a-no-wab” just don’t quite do the job. (Jason Myers)

Wedge officially becomes the only Rebel pilot besides Luke to actually survive all three movies. (Jason Myers)

The three-climax ending. First off, the Jabba’s palace adventure could be an entire movie on its own, and then Lucas packs three endings into Jedi. The battle on an alien jungle planet with Ewoks who’ve clearly learned how to fight off invasions from watching The Seven Samurai and Swiss Family Robinson. The rousing space dogfight as an in-theater amusement park ride. And the dazzling melee on whose outcome rests the lives (and more importantly, the souls) of two Skywalkers, set to an eerie score that’s guaranteed to raise the little hairs on the back of your neck. Any one of these on its own would be stunning. But threaded together, and edited with sublimely aggressive virtuosity, it’s pure intoxicating pixie dust. (Jason Myers)

Closure and lots of it. The good guys laid some closure down on the bad guys, by way of kicks to the ass. Jabba? Choked out. Boba? Eaten. Vader? Burned to a crisp. Good, cathartic stuff. (Joe Crowe)


I've got a bad feeling about this. . . .



 
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