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Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: Attack of the Clones
© RevolutionSF Staff
May 23, 2005

The editors of RevolutionSF explore their love/hate relationship with Star Wars. What do you love/hate about it?

Proof that Attack of the Clones Sucks

Plot? Well, I guess so . . . sorta. . . . (Mark Finn)

Too much time spent looking at pretty things make pretty booms at the expense of real character or story. (Peggy Hailey)

C-3PO's puns. "I'm quite beside myself." See, his head was lying next to his body. He was beside . . . HIMSELF. That's what happens to humor in Lucasland. (Shane Ivey)

The remake of the flying car chase from The Fifth Element. And I didn't like it in The Fifth Element, either. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Replacing the freaky-looking albino bounty hunter Aura Sing with the much lamer Zam Wessel. Especially after all the hype and action figures. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Senator Jar-Jar? Are you kidding me? He was a joke to his entire people, he blundered into doing one thing right, and they made him their representative? Is their entire civilization on crack? (Peggy Hailey)

A lackluster, if petulant, teenage Ani. (Mark Finn)

If Queen Amidala does a good job of showing us where Princess Leia got her spunk, Ani certainly shows us where Luke got his whiny-buttedness. Gads, but that's unpleasant to watch. (Peggy Hailey)

Won't somebody make Anakin Skywalker SHUT THE HELL UP? (Shane Ivey)

The way over-long romance stuff with Anakin and Amidala. I get it! Anakin's psycho but Amidala lets him touch her anyway. I've met these people in real life. (Joe Crowe)

That moment when you could SWEAR that Amidala is going to start singing, “The hills are alive with the Sound of Music. . . .” (Jason Myers)

Padme good. Sand bad.
Giant space-flea rodeo. Howard the Duck is a masterpiece when compared to that turkey of a scene. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Another victim of Lucasland: Romance. As in, the "epic" love story between Padme and Anakin. Is it even possible that anyone would fall in love with that whining mass-murderer? Seriously. If there's a single female out there who watched Attack of the Clones and thought, "Mmmm, gotta get ME some of that rolling around in the grass," we want to hear from you. (Shane Ivey)

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth." Nuff said. (Kevin Pezzano)

The lack of chemistry between all of the actors. (Mark Finn)

Count Dooku. The name, not the character. Though those who spend a lot of time pounding on the prequels for having “silly names” ought take a look at the original trilogy. Greedo? Jabba the Hutt? And loved by millions . . . Chewbacca the Wookie. I mean, Chewbacca the Wookie? Who comes up with this stuff? It’s like a child’s game. You add “in” to “Vader” and get “invader”, add “in” to Sidious and get “insidious.” So, I guess if it’s Luke Skywalker because he’s a good pilot and Han Solo because he’s a renegade loner, then Count Dooku must be like that purple guy on Sesame Street, except he only counts to, uh, Number Two, Beavis. (Jason Myers)

The Jedi Council being portrayed as a bunch of hidebound idiots. If it weren't for a bunch of Jedi kids and the short-order cook at a galactic greasy spoon, Obi-Wan and the rest of the Jedi would have been totally boned. (Kevin Pezzano)

An increase in CGI means more unemployed Muppets. (Joe Crowe)

"Around the survivors a perimeter create." I love Yoda, but he could stop talking. (Joe Crowe)

Proof That Attack of the Clones Rocks

The cruel, intricate deliciousness of watching the Darth-who-would-be-Emperor totally puppet-mastering everyone in the entire movie, including Yoda. (Jason Myers)

Coruscant. Damn, that place just looks AWESOME. (Kevin Pezzano)

Anakin's whining was hard to notice from all of the edge-of-your-seat action sequences. (Mark Finn)

The origins of Boba Fett. (Peggy Hailey)

The interplay between Anakin and Obi-Wan. They obviously like and trust each other, but there's still that slight edge, the beginnings of the cracks in their relationship that will eventually tear them apart and leave one of them a hermit and the other an evil cyborg. (Kevin Pezzano)

Count Dooku messing with Obi-Wan's mind by telling the truth about Sidious controlling the Senate. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Christopher Lee's charisma making up for the other actors entirely. (Mark Finn)

The full-on retro Flash Gordian glory of putting two heroes (one young, one older) and a heroine into a coliseum full of alien beasties, like throwing Space Christians to the Intergalactic Lions. (Jason Myers)

Padme may have crummy taste in men, but she's on her game otherwise. Prize moment: Chained up in an arena by bug-people, she cooly picks the locks around her wrists and climbs up a pillar to safety. Anakin and Obi-Wan just stand there bickering. As usual. (Shane Ivey)

The Republic assault on the Separatist forces on Geonosis. Thrilling, action-packed, and just plain cool, it was a far-too-short taste of the brutality of the Clone Wars that would forever change the Star Wars galaxy. (Kevin Pezzano)

The Ray Harryhausen-inspired insect warriors. The only way the arena scene could've been improved upon would be if Talos and the skeleton warriors from Jason and the Argonauts had box seats. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Stormtroopers/clone troopers firing weapons and actually hitting their targets! (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

George Lucas can't write and he's no wunderkind as a director, but he knows how to do action scenes. I mean, look at Mace Windu when he finally gets his lightsaber out. Feats that would warrant a dramatic pose for any other Jedi, he pulls off so easily it's like an afterthought. He's just that tough. (Shane Ivey)

Serious Jedi-fu, especially Yoda versus Count Dooku. (Peggy Hailey)

Windu and Yoda, taking care of Jedi business. The Jedi legend was built up huge in the first trilogy. But outside of Luke, the new guy, we never had proof. Until now. (Joe Crowe)

Yoda. YODA! (Shane Ivey)

Actually letting Samuel L. Jackson kick ass this time. (Peggy Hailey)

Mace Windu taking out Jango Fett. (Mark Finn)

The completely unceremonious death of Jango Fett, echoing the future ignominy of son Boba's death via Sarlacc. (Joe Crowe)

Pistol-grip lightsabers. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how having a pistol-grip lightsaber would provide a tactical advantage, but so Forcing what! (Jason Myers)

Senator Jar-Jar, screwing up everything. I don't know if this was always part of the story plan. But I'd like to think it was a giving of the finger to the anti-Jar Jar crowd, of which I am a charter member. Now we have a REASON to hate Binks. Give us hell, Lucas! (Joe Crowe)


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