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Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: Revenge of the Sith
© RevolutionSF Staff
May 25, 2005

The editors of RevolutionSF explore their love/hate relationship with Star Wars. What do you love/hate about it?

Proof That Episode III Sucks

The complete lack of suprise at the plot. We've known this for twenty-odd years, and so watching this was a lot like doing a MadLib. Very fill-in-the-blank. (Mark Finn)

Anakin's flipping-a-switch conversion from good to evil. Flip it up and he's on the light side of the Force! Flip it down and he's on the dark side! "Oh, what have I done? . . . I just chopped Mace Windu's hand off . . . Woe is me . . . I feel such remorse . . . I will do whatever you wish, my master." Are we SURE he didn't have some Jedi mind trick mojo on him? (Shane Ivey)

Oooh, that almost subliminal cameo by Grand Moff Tarkin ROCKS . . . until they ruin it by pulling the shot in closer and showing us a CG Tarkin that wouldn't pass muster in The Mummy Returns. I was told that it was a real actor with mutant cheekbones, but I can’t believe that any real human being would walk like that. (Jason Myers)

Jason, this is going to REALLY going to warp your world. I tracked down the actor who plays Tarkin. He's real. And he's the only person who's played a science fictional character evil enough to step into Tarkin's shoes. Tarkin is Scorpius. Scorpius is Tarkin. Now we know where all those wormholes lead. . . . (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Frell me! Well, I guess what sucks is that I’ve officially become one of those know-it-all dumb-asses who smugly cry “it was obviously CG” when there was no CG involved. Damn, I hate people like that. . . . (Jason Myers)

Mace Windu getting punked.  He's not dead!  He's NOT!! (Kevin Pezzano)

I never thought I'd actually say this, but some of the lightsaber fights were almost too fast. More to the point, I wish Lucas had used more medium-to-long shots, like the fight in Ep. I with Darth Maul. Show me the beautiful Jedi Butt-Kicking Choreography. (Mark Finn)

At no point is it addressed why R2-D2 can fly in the prequels but not in the original films. I mean, if R2 was from a world with a red sun, and gained powers of flight under the influence of a yellow sun's rays, that'd be one thing. I'd buy that. But not being able to fly in the original movies? That's just dumb. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Yoda: "Good relations with the Wookies I have." So, I guess Yoda was lying when he told Luke "Size matters not." (Jason Myers)

George Lucas must REALLY hate people with limbs.  I know he's evinced a dismemberment fetish before, but damn, were the severed body parts piling up in this installment. (Kevin Pezzano)

General Wheezus. Yeah, I saw Clone Wars where Mace Windu put the Force choke on General Grievous' organic lungs, but that wasn't explained in Episode III. Having him hacking and wheezing like Doc Holliday on his deathbed really stole some of Grievous', um, menace. (Shane Ivey)

I understand that General Grievous is the big, bad new villain in this movie, who also happens to be a coward who will sacrifice his underlings to save his own skin. But was it really necessary to make him sound like Dark Helmet to drive this point home? (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

The very lame idea that the snippets and plot threads left dangling at the end of the movie would warrant a spin-off series on television. More Jedi death for the few stragglers? Nice. Real nice.

On a personal note, I'm really ready to let this die. Great money shot with Vader at the end, George. Thanks Ewan for taking on the mantle of alcoholic so you could get through these films. Natalie, for God's sake, go make some art house movies and re-establish your acting creds — I know you haven't forgotten your true self. Hayden, I'll see YOU in ten years at Wizard World, sitting right next to Jeremy Bulloch and the Third Stormtrooper from the Left. (Mark Finn)

So the best idea they could come up with for hiding one of Anakin’s kids is to put him with ANAKIN’S OWN FAMILY? Why didn’t Obi-Wan bring a sign to put on Owen & Beru’s roof that said “Welcome Sith Lords”? (Joe Crowe)

"What? I suck?

Darth Vader gets encased in the black armor, has James Earl Jones' badass voice, and he's STILL a whiny little bitch!  James Earl Jones should NOT be whiny, people! (Kevin Pezzano)

The Wookiees. Is that it?! We wait 22 years for a look at Wookiees in battle on their homeworld and we get two five-second snippets? Damn! The DVD better have a ten-minute deleted scene of Wookiees tearing droids to bits and then going off on clone commandos for trying to lay hands on Yoda. I want to see me an army of Wookiees getting mad! (Shane Ivey)

Clones of a guy who worked for the bad guys all turn bad . . . and the good guys are surprised? (Joe Crowe)

"A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never attack." Remember when Yoda gave that dire warning to Luke, just before Darth Vader pummeled him with half the industrial equipment on Cloud City? Well, in Sith we get to see Obi-Wan crush his enemies with 16-ton weights, while Yoda flings senate saucers at Palpatine. Yeah, real disciplined, guys. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Yoda getting counted out against the Emperor after nearly beating the crap out of him. Did he need a nap? He had the guy on the ropes! Sure, of course, I know he couldn’t actually beat the Emperor since there are three other movies where the Emperor doesn’t have the imprint of Yoda’s foot on his ass — as far as we know. Maybe that’s why he wears a robe. (Joe Crowe)

This probably marks a coda to the times I’ll be crazy enough to stand in line 12 hours or more for a movie. Beginning with 1997’s rerelease of the original trilogy, it had gotten to be habit-forming.

• Star Wars: Some guy at the very front of the line (but for a later show time) exhorting everyone to “Touch the Yoda” as they entered the theater.

• Empire: Playing Lunch Money with a bunch of random high school kids I’d never met before. Two guys with silver tubing, spray-painted cardboard boxes, and tinfoil, came dressed as an AT-AT.

• Jedi: My friend Heather and I decided, what the hell, we’d be the first people in line this time, and started a line 36 hours before showtime. When a shift came to relieve us, we rode the D.C. subway to the end of the line and back to get some sleep.

• The Phantom Menace: Using the opening of the movie as an excuse for a de facto college reunion. We had people from six or seven different states.

• Attack of the Clones: The jubilant, deafening whoop the whole audience let out when Yoda ignited his lightsaber.

• Revenge of the Sith: Lightsaber fights in the front of the theater, beach balls popping through the audience and occasionally beaning the unwary. And a six-foot man dressed as Wicket the Ewok.

Through six movies I’ve dropped all pretense of adulthood to participate in the Star Wars ritual. I can hope that something else will inspire that same sense of persistent gleeful insanity, but I’m not holding my breath. I mean, as much as I’m looking forward to Willy Wonka and The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I doubt I’ll be breaking out the sleeping bags, lawn chairs, and gallons of Dr. Pepper. (Jason Myers)

Proof That Episode III Rocks

Mace Windu's death is the best of any Star Wars character, ever. He is a Jedi warrior supreme. Watching his battle with Sidious, it struck me how tenuous the Sith Lord's hold on power was, how risky his gambit was. I wanted Windu to start quoting the Bible to the cowering Sidious. Make no mistake, Windu kicked Sidious' wrinkled behind, and if it wasn't for that pesky, whiney kid, he'd have gotten away with it, too! (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

The tech/costume continuity crept ever closer to the first movie, which was nice. I popped geek wood over Bail Oregana's ship, the precursor of the Rebel blockade runner in the opening scene of Star Wars. The only thing missing was the dorky helmets. Padme's donut hair was cool, too. And how about those one-man AT-ST walker thingies? (Mark Finn)

Anakin brings balance to the Force — just not quite the way the Jedi were hoping. (Jason Myers)

I was only struck by how truly good Luke Skywalker is after seeing how easy a mark his dad was. Sure, the Emperor (and the Jedi) had been turning the screws on Anakin for a long time. But in three whole movies, Luke never even considered turning bad. When Vader dropped the Daddy-bomb on him, I guess Vader was figuring on Luke saying, “Sure, Pop, let’s get some ice cream!” (Joe Crowe)

Palpatine's lightsaber fighting style was all aggressive, snarly, and rough, just like you'd expect a Sith Lord to fight. (Kevin Pezzano)

That one lone Padawan at the Jedi Temple landing pad, kicking clonetrooper ass before finally going down so Bail can make his getaway. (Kevin Pezzano)

The almost casual level of ass-kicking that most of the Jedi deliver when they're not being ambushed by Order No. 66 (the order of the Beast). Best off-hand ass-whipping: Yoda and Obi-Wan wading through a team of clone troopers at the entrance to the Jedi Temple. The clones had just finished being big old bad-asses when shooting down Junior Jedi and librarians, and then Yoda comes to see what they're doing at his house? Time to run, people. Run fast. (Shane Ivey)

Yoda and Obi-Wan making the clonetroopers look like the incompetent stormtroopers we all know and loathe from the original films. After Attack of the Clones and the first half of Revenge of the Sith make the troopers look like an effective fighting force, it was nice to see the Jedi putting them in their place. (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

How much more action can we pile into a movie, anyway? This one registered high on the spectacle-meter, for all of the ball-busting action stuff. Jedi fu, space ship fu, droid fu, and even beast fu. (Mark Finn)

The "Order 66" montage.  Totally heartbreaking stuff, and it worked perfectly. (Kevin Pezzano)

The way Palpatine played the Yuschenko card to win sympathy from the Senate. "The Jedi attack has made my face all gray and puffy, but my will is strong. . . ." (Shane Ivey)

The Emperor is a total prick! Check out that little grin on the Emperor’s face when Vader is screaming “NOOOOOOOO!” He’s thinking, “Oh yeah! Evil party over here, ladies!” (Joe Crowe)

Palpatine and Yoda’s highly symbolic (not to mention breathtaking) trashing of the Senate chamber. (Jason Myers)

Obi-Wan picking up Anakin's lightsaber after their battle. Ol' Ben may have played fast and loose with the truth on occasion, but it really WAS Luke's father's lightsaber! (Jayme Lynn Blaschke)

Thank God for small favors, like the tying up of loose ends. Threepio's mind wipe (but not Artoo's, thus making him even more of a lunatic and a Deus ex Machina for the middle trilogy), Obi Wan picking up Ani's lightsaber, and all the rest of the tiny puzzle pieces that will carry us forward into Episodes 4, 5, and 6. Of course, this is more expected, since Lucas had this all planned from the beginning, right? Right? Hey, where are you going? Hey. . . . (Mark Finn)

One word, and the word is this: WOOKIEES. Perhaps Lucas and his ilk are not Wookist after all. But there is still far to go. I have but one humble request: Wookiees: The Series. You’d watch and you know it. (Joe Crowe)

The Wookiees! Yeah, we figured they'd kick ass in a big dark forest, but who knew they tackled enemy boats like furry Navy SEALs, too? And the ornithopter things they flew — totally unexpected and delightful. The brief look at Kashyyyk was beautiful. And when out of nowhere Yoda dropped a couple of official Republic soldiers like punks and was looking at fighting a planet full of them, who knew to do the right thing, no questions asked? The Wookiees. Damn right. (Shane Ivey)

Lars, Beru and Luke on Tatooine. The perfect final scene. Yeah, I cried. (Jason Myers)

"Who's on your side, baby?"

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