What a dysfunctional fandom we are. Hollywood keeps making bad sci-fi —
but there's just enough good sci-fi to keep us coming back. We may complain,
we may threaten to leave and throw all of Hollywood's stuff out on the lawn
and get a restraining order, but all it takes is some sweet nothings about King
Kong and the Serenity resurrection to turn us around.
Our movie-whipped previewers are, in no particular order:
- Jayme Lynn Blaschke, who's just friends with RevolutionSF fiction and he's
fine with that, honest.
- Peggy Hailey, who would follow RevolutionSF book reviews to the ends of
- Joe Crowe, who just can't help loving RevolutionSF humor.
- Mark Finn, who used to be hot for RevolutionSF games articles but is trying
to move on with his life.
- Rick Klaw, who will find you, no matter where you go, no matter how far,
he will find you! . . . Why do you look so scared all of
Thundercats Season 1 on DVD
Joe: That Panthro is a bad mother — Sigh. If anyone
wants to trade Shaft references with me about a blue cartoon cat guy,
Mark: I was too old to think that the Thundercats were
the bestest cartoon in the history of the universe. I'll give this a pass. As
a trade-off, I won't make any of you under-thirty-people watch Battle of
the Planets cartoons. This is fair.
Jayme: Hey, don't look at me. I still haven't completed my
Star Blazers: The Bolar Wars collection.
Brothers Grimm (www.miramax.com)
Jayme: Finally! Finally! Finally! All Terry Gilliam addicts
can now rejoice as the master's long-delayed Grimm project finally sees the
light of day. Two problems, though. Releasing this at the ass-end of summer
pretty much guarantees it will bomb at the box office, and there is something
very, very wrong about including CGI in a Gilliam film.
Peggy: Summer is a great time for a dark, twisty, coooold
slice of Gilliam. Count me in.
Rick: Is this finally coming out? Gilliam doing Grimm
fairy tales. I'm so there.
Tim Burton's The Corpse Bride (corpsebridemovie.warnerbros.com)
Joe: Pretty and weird and Burtony. Like I like my women.
Peggy: If the best thing that can be said about this
ends up being, "Well, it's pretty," then it will still be worth the
money. I'm in.
Rick: A new Burton flick in the style of The Nightmare
Before Christmas! It'll at the very least be visually stunning.
Jayme: I think Burton's run out of ideas and is recycling
himself. Seriously. That doesn't mean this won't be good, but it won't necessarily
be something Burton hasn't shown us before.
Mark: Anything, so long as he gets to disappear up his own
asshole into the Burtonverse. Just let him play with his own weird toys and
quit touching everyone else's stuff. He's like that kid in Elementary School
that you didn't want to play with because you just KNEW he picked his nose and
never wiped his hands.
Aeon Flux (www.aeonflux.com)
Rick: Does anyone really care?
Joe: Hey, remember Aeon Flux? It was that cartoon
on MTV back when MTV's whole schedule wasn't a bunch of sweaty teenagers screaming
at each other.
Mark: Okay. Sign me up. I loved Aeon Flux. Don't
know if it'll work as a movie, but as a non-sequitur series of vignettes, it
Jayme: Hey, I like the cartoon and I like Charlize Theron,
so this one might have a chance.
Peggy: I have fond memories of this non-sequitur little gem
from MTV, but, as odd as it is to say it, I'm afraid a coherent, linear storyline
might ruin the effect.
Mark: This can't get here soon enough. They had me at "ruttin'."
Jayme: A wild guess — this movie flops at the box office,
but does incredible DVD business, prompting a never-ending stream of sequels.
Featuring the characters that live, I mean.
Joe: If this crazy-ass idea works, I want my MANTIS and
Neil Gaiman's Mirrormask (www.sonypictures.com/movies/mirrormask)
Jayme: The weirdest visuals of any movie released this decade.
Heck, maybe even this century. Certain to find a place in the hearts of Henson
fans everywhere, sandwiched between Labyrinth and Dark Crystal.
But with 97 percent fewer Muppets.
Peggy: See my entry for The Corpse Bride.
Joe: We get to see the whole guy instead of just his forearm
and hand — and it's The Rock! A hit movie here means more movies for pro
wrestlers. And that is good news for everybody.
Jayme: Man, I can't wait to see Cliff Steel and Beast Boy
on the big screen!
Rick: A movie based on video game with no plot? No
V For Vendetta (vforvendetta.warnerbros.com)
Joe: So what's the plan? Do everything of Alan Moore's EXCEPT
Mark: Yep, and that's the way (uh huh, uh huh) I like it.
Do the stuff that can be done. Never, ever do a Watchman movie. You'll
just filk it up, Hollywood. You know you will. Don't try. You ain't built
for it. (Psst! Hey! HBO! Over here . . . I've got a proposition for
you.) On the other hand, I don't think V for Vendetta is Moore's best
work. Maybe the movie will be interesting. Maybe. After all, they did such a
good job with From Hell and The League of Extraordinary . . .
Rick: Here's to hoping that Hollywood has the cojones to
NOT play down the anarchy elements of the original graphic novel. Wouldn't
bet on it though.
Peggy: Especially given recent events in London, the chances
that this will match the dark, anarchic vision of Alan Moore is nil. Too bad,
too, because I like the casting.
Jayme: The movie that answers the question of whether Natalie
Portman can pull off the chrome dome look better than Persis Khambatta. (Look
Legend of Zorro (www.sonypictures.com/movies/thelegendofzorro)
Joe: I'm all for guys on horses fighting crime. But why sequelize
this and not Zorro, The Gay Blade?
Mark: Vive Zorro! Swords, capes, horses, and stunts. I'm
IN. Watching Banderas swash and buckle makes me wish I was Hispanic.
Rick: About time they got around to this sequel!
Jayme: I liked the first one, much to my surprise. I expect
that I'll be surprised enough to like this one, too.
Peggy: The original was great fun, and I suspect this will
be, too. Not that I wouldn't be equally up for the Zorro, the Gay Blade
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (harrypotter.warnerbros.com)
Joe: Two out of the three Harry Potter movies have made me
fall asleep. I also blame Harry Potter for other physical disorders.
Jayme: The fact that they'll have to cut out vast swaths
of the book to make the story fit in the two-and-a-half-hour running time bodes
well. Somebody needs to tell Rowling that "longwinded" does not equal
Peggy: I like the books, and I've enjoyed the movies thus
far (speaking of spot-on casting), so I have high hopes for this one.
Rick: The books hold no interest for me and I only saw the
first three movies because of my wife. But after the last film, I am jazzed
for this one.
Mark: I feel sorry for these kids. It's like they are super
aging through these movies. Daniel Radcliffe will be thirty by the time book
seven comes out. We call it Macchiosis.
Underworld: Evolution (www.sonypictures.com/movies/underworldevolution)
Joe: Now even the movie title is like a role-playing game.
I can’t wait to see Kate Beckinsale in tight leather so I can “roll
Mark: The preview looks amazing. Like the basement of Middle-earth.
Jayme: I thought everyone hated the first one. Did someone
not get the memo?
Peggy: Not even Kate Beckinsale in a leather bustier can
get me to watch this. Sorry, Kate.
Rick: Sounds like a movie about people trying to escape from those nutball
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
Joe: Poor Underworld. Talking lions always beat hot
Jayme: It looks good. But I'm still very suspicious.
King Kong (www.kingkongmovie.com)
Joe: I haven't been this excited about a monkey since getting
to the third level of Donkey Kong Jr.
Mark: Kong fights dinosaurs. Kong fights biplanes. Kong climbs
the Empire State Building. Do you really need my nod to go see this? Klaw and
I may get to sneak it, and we will cheerfully tell all of you about it.
Peggy: I. Can't. Wait.
Rick: Struck speechless after the trailer. Brought out my
inner seven year old.
Jayme: If this is as good as everyone's hoping, the long-hoped-for
Son of Kong remake may well get the green light. Or better yet, Son
of Kong vs. Mighty Joe Young!
Sometime in 2006
A Scanner Darkly (wip.warnerbros.com)
Joe: Wow. Keanu Reeves will try anything to make me forget
the last two Matrix movies. Keep trying, my sleepy friend.
Mark: I'm pretty stoked about this one, Keanu notwithstanding.
Linklater has a shot at pulling this off.
Jayme: Every time I start thinking "Well, Keanu might
actually be good in this," I leave the theatre kicking myself for my gullibility.
I imagine this one will be no different.
Peggy: There's so much going for this that I have to give
it a chance, despite the gaping hole where a main character should go.
Rick: Could this be the film that finally does justice to
a Philip K. Dick property? Right director. Fantastic supporting
actors. Horrible lead. We'll have to wait and see. *crosses