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Dear Aby
© The Abyssal Lord
February 16, 2006

You can run, but you can't hide! He'll find you! He'll damn you! Then  . . .

He'll answer your questions. Show a little love for the Big Man, the Underworld Uberlord, the Master Of Disaster (No Apocalypse Too Small, No Sin Too Venal) . . .


Illustration © Todd Shearer

Dear Aby,

I was simply wondering what novels of untold horrors a Dark Lord would peruse in his off-time from torturing the souls of the damned. Aside from that, what could I hope to gain from this knowledge? You *ARE* the all-powerful Lord of the Abyss after all.



I am particularly fond of The Bridges Of Madison County, Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and anything by Nicholas Sparks. The horror . . . the horror. . . .

Dear Aby,

Why is there a dead hobo in my yard? i just walked out one day and there lay a hobo with squirrels nibbling at his shrunken body ~shiver~ squirrels. This is the fifth time this week this has happened. Am I holding a dead hobo convention that I don’t know about? Or am I going on an unknown rampage, killing every hobo I see and dragging them back to my house to be forgotten about the next day? I must know how to stop this.


Dear SOUL:

Oops, my fault! Considering the noises issuing from your mother's bedroom each night, I thought for sure there must be a train at your house. . . .

Dear Aby,

Do you think that there is any significance in dreams? Are they prophecies or our subconscious trying to tell us something? Because I have the most whacked-out dreams on this side of the Atlantic and I'm afraid if I placed any importance in them then I'd be looking for secret holes in my bedroom closet and hitting people with headless chickens. Help!



I'm so glad you asked this question! So many people are confused about the whole "dreaming" mechanism, due to the constant influx of misinformation provided by Freudians, evangelical Christians, and, of course, Scientologists. The truth is so simple, though, that it defies those who work to mystify the process.

Your dreams — especially the naughty ones, I might add — are merely your subconscious mind telling you that, regardless of what you might think of your everyday existence, your life is boring and intolerably pointless, so you might as well end it all.

There. Glad to settle that question!

Dear Aby,

I think my mother in law is a prime candidate for filling your fireplace, but she just won't leave the earthly domain, in spite of the heart attacks, seizures, bad blind dates, etc. Any suggestions on coping with her in the meantime?



Unfortunately, you have the equation backward. In reality, your mother-in-law works for the Higher Powers, and she has been doing everything she can to save you from an eternity Down Here.

Luckily for you, you've managed to evade the snares left by the One Who Shall Remain Nameless. I suggest you keep doing what you've been doing — ignore her, bad-mouth her to everyone who will listen, turn your wife against her at every opportunity. As the Sages say, "Outwit — Outplay — Outlast." Anything you can do to hasten her passage to the next world would be looked upon kindly at this end as well.

Meanwhile, I have a place reserved for you, my friend. Go for the gold!

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