You can run, but you can't hide! He'll find you! He'll
damn you! Then . . .
He'll answer your questions. Show a little love
for the Big Man, the Underworld Uberlord, the Master Of Disaster
(No Apocalypse Too Small, No Sin Too Venal) . . .
THE ABYSSAL LORD!
Illustration © Todd Shearer
I was simply wondering what novels of untold horrors a Dark
Lord would peruse in his off-time from torturing the souls
of the damned. Aside from that, what could I hope to gain
from this knowledge? You *ARE* the all-powerful Lord of the
Abyss after all.
I am particularly fond of The Bridges Of Madison County,
Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and anything by Nicholas Sparks.
The horror . . . the horror. . . .
Why is there a dead hobo in my yard? i just walked out one
day and there lay a hobo with squirrels nibbling at his shrunken
body ~shiver~ squirrels. This is the fifth time this week
this has happened. Am I holding a dead hobo convention that
I don’t know about? Or am I going on an unknown rampage,
killing every hobo I see and dragging them back to my house
to be forgotten about the next day? I must know how to stop
Oops, my fault! Considering the noises issuing from your
mother's bedroom each night, I thought for sure there must be
a train at your house. . . .
Do you think that there is any significance in dreams? Are
they prophecies or our subconscious trying to tell us something?
Because I have the most whacked-out dreams on this side of
the Atlantic and I'm afraid if I placed any importance in
them then I'd be looking for secret holes in my bedroom closet
and hitting people with headless chickens. Help!
SCREWED TRUE DREAMING
Dear SCREWED TRUE:
I'm so glad you asked this question! So many people are
confused about the whole "dreaming" mechanism, due
to the constant influx of misinformation provided by Freudians,
evangelical Christians, and, of course, Scientologists. The
truth is so simple, though, that it defies those who work to
mystify the process.
Your dreams — especially the naughty ones, I might
add — are merely your subconscious mind telling you that,
regardless of what you might think of your everyday existence,
your life is boring and intolerably pointless, so you might
as well end it all.
There. Glad to settle that question!
I think my mother in law is a prime candidate for filling
your fireplace, but she just won't leave the earthly domain,
in spite of the heart attacks, seizures, bad blind dates,
etc. Any suggestions on coping with her in the meantime?
LINE DANCIN’ NEXT TO FRANCESCA AND PAOLO
Unfortunately, you have the equation backward. In
reality, your mother-in-law works for the Higher Powers, and
she has been doing everything she can to save you from an eternity
Luckily for you, you've managed to evade the snares left
by the One Who Shall Remain Nameless. I suggest you keep doing
what you've been doing — ignore her, bad-mouth her to
everyone who will listen, turn your wife against her at every
opportunity. As the Sages say, "Outwit — Outplay
— Outlast." Anything you can do to hasten her passage
to the next world would be looked upon kindly at this end as
Meanwhile, I have a place reserved for you, my friend. Go
for the gold!
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