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RevolutionSF Sci-Fi Quote-O-Matic : Wil Wheaton, Time Bandits, Beetlejuice
© RevolutionSF staff
April 12, 2007

We like to quote sci-fi and such around these parts. To each other. To the annoyance of strangers and/or family.

Unlike other places with quotes out on those Internets, we try to take it easy on Simpsons, MST3K, and Buffy. We love those, too. But everybody and their momma's e-mail sig and Facebook status uses those. Ours, we like to think, are not so commonly seen or heard.

Here are a heaping helping of our favorites.

"If she starts in on that girl's name thing, I'll show her good'n and all I got man parts." (Jayne, Firefly)

"They are instinctive rivals. There is no doubt that they will attempt to destroy one another." (Dr. Arnold Jackson, King Kong vs. Godzilla)

"Hey, Dr. Kelloway. Funny thing happened on the way to Mars." (Peter Willis, Capricorn One)

"Oh, Bentson, you are so mercifully free from the ravages of intellect." (Evil, Time Bandits)

"Is this testing whether I'm a replicant or a lesbian, Mr. Deckard?" (Rachel, Blade Runner)

"A naked American man stole my balloons." (Little boy, An American Werewolf in London)

"So I have to warn you: Anything you think may be held against you." (Philip K. Dick, We Can Remember It Wholesale)

"Yeah, THAT'LL last." (Agent Brand, regarding Jean Grey being dead, Astonishing X-Men)

"People want anarchy for about five minutes. Then they want a backrub and some money." (Bruce Sterling)

"Eat recycled food. Recycled food is good for the environment. And okay for you." (Food dispenser, Judge Dredd)

"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers." (Wil Wheaton explaining Star Trek: The Next Generation)

"Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home." (Elvis, Bubba Ho-tep)

"Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright." (Sir John Talbot, The Wolf Man)

"We pushed on, and there was blood on every step as far back as I could see. There's a moral there, somewhere." (Corwin, Nine Princes In Amber)

"Pansy! The Problem! The Problem! I need fruit!" (Michael Palin, Time Bandits)

"There are no good or evil plants. There are only plants." (Ficus, Quark)

"The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make this station and the nebula outside, that burn in the stars themselves. We are star-stuff. We are the Universe, made manifest, trying to figure itself out." (Ambassador Delenn, Babylon 5)

"You can't rule the world in hiding. You've got to come out on the balcony sometimes and wave a tentacle." (The Doctor, Doctor Who)

"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world. I just wish it wasn't this one." (Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, Watchmen)

"Permit me to laugh and thank you for your keen and introspective analysis of that aspect of my being so few others know. Including my wife." (Harlan Ellison, on the RevolutionSF story Ultimate Literary Robot Warrior)

"Now watch closely, everyone. I'm going to show you how to kill a god." (Lady Eboshi, Princess Mononoke)

"The most merciful thing in the world . . . is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents." (H.P. Lovecraft, The Call of Cthulhu)

"And what was the real lesson? Don't leave things in the fridge." (Spike, Cowboy Bebop)

"Boy, was Spielberg ever wrong. Close Encounters, my ass." (John Crichton, Farscape)

"You can get away with anything when you're dead." (Soulcatcher, Dreams of Steel)

"Amerikanski humor. Most funny. We bomb now." (J. Michael Straczynski writes to RevolutionSF)

"It's either a wand of Bigby's Hand spells or a +5 back scratcher." (Dungeon Master's Guide, 1st ed.)

"Hulk not sissy-boy! Hulk STRAAAIGHT!" (The Hulk, The Ultimates)

"We broke and ran. The squirrel, however, was not a quitter. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw that it was in fact gaining on us, and Leonard's cussing was having absolutely no effect, other than to perhaps further enrage the animal, who might have had Baptist leanings." (Hap Collins, Bad Chili)

"I'll be in my bunk." (Jayne, Firefly)

"You certainly have a way of cutting through the felgercarb." (Starbuck, Battlestar Galactica)

"Have we sent the 'Don't shoot, we're pathetic' transmission yet?" (John Crichton, Farscape)

"Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven-and-a-half-foot long, 54-inch wide gorilla?! Is that what you're telling me? (Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, Young Frankenstein)

"Don't mind her. She's just upset that someone dropped a house on her sister." (Otho, Beetlejuice)

"You hit me! Picard never hit me!" (Q to Sisko, Deep Space Nine)

"My brain! It's my second favorite organ!" (Miles Monroe, Sleeper)

"I am not Mr. Pavarotti. Mr. Pavarotti is an Italian. He speak-a like-a this. Do I speak-a like this? No. Why? Because I am an Englishman, you blistering idiot!" (Prof. Arturo, Sliders)

"There is a girl out there who might be running for her life from some gigantic turned-on ape." (Jack Prescott, King Kong (1976))

"She could feel the breath of the Nazgul upon her neck, and it reminded her of Aragorn, but in a bad way." (The Lord of the Rings: The Novelization, only on RevolutionSF)

"I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle." (The Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgment Day)

"We should form a club, or a league or something." (The Flash to Clark Kent, Smallville)

"The paragraph above may be reduced to the following sentence: Madame de Gernande was a piece of ass." (The Elements of Style by The Marquis de Sade with Revision, an Introduction and a Chapter on Writing by E. B. Whipe Third Edition, painstakingly translated by Derek Pell)

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do. And if you do, take pictures." (Al, Quantum Leap)

"Godzilla has a brain about this size. He is sheer brute force, while Kong is a thinking animal. His brain is considerably larger, about 10 times the size of this gorilla skull." (Dr. Arnold Jackson, King Kong vs. Godzilla)

"You're not listening. Well, your heart is not. Love is deaf as well as blind, that's it." (Merlin, Excalibur)

"Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!" (Mrs. Broflovski, South Park)

"If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak." (Jayne, Firefly)

"I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits. Pain and pleasure, indivisible." (Frank Cotton, Hellraiser)

"There's a monster outside my room. Can I have a glass of water?" (Boo, Signs)

"Wait, Master, it might be dangerous. You go first." (Igor, Young Frankenstein)

"Laugh-a while you can, monkey boy!" (Dr. Lizardo, The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension)

"Ah, love. The walks over soft grass, the smiles over candlelight, the fights over just about everything else." (Max Headroom, Max Headroom)

"I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate." (Susan Ivanova, Babylon 5)

"You have the manners of a goat. And you smell like a dung-heap. And you have no knowledge whatsoever of your potential!" (Ramirez, Highlander)

"Only one human captain has ever survived battle with the Minbari fleet. He is behind me. You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else." (Ambassador Delenn, Babylon 5)

"Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple." (Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

"The day war was declared, a rain of telephones fell clattering to the cobblestones from the sky above Novy Petrograd." (Charles Stross, Singularity Sky)

"I understood writing could be dangerous. I didn't realize the danger came from the machinery." (Bill Lee, Naked Lunch)

"Woman, get back in here and make me a sandwich." (Mulder, The X-Files)

"Their tricks are no match for our superiority. Start firing!" (Gamilon Commander, StarBlazers)

"In all the time I've known him, he's never done anything immoral. Unless maybe the preschooler's prostitute ring." (Hanover Fiste, Heavy Metal)

"Heathens to the left of me, infidels to the right. Next thing you'll be telling me that you're not virgins." (Priestess Leah, Xena: Warrior Princess)

"It had been a wonderful evening and what I needed now, to give it the perfect ending, was a little of the Ludwig Von." (Alex, A Clockwork Orange)

"The bird is hot." (Joey, I mean Don West, Lost in Space)

"I just really wanted to capture that childhood sense of eating children's organs and then vomiting them back up." (Jhonen Vasquez, interviewed on RevolutionSF)

"Reality is the part that refuses to go away when I stop believing in it." (Philip K. Dick)

"This reminds me of the time you tried to drill a hole in your head." (Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters)

"That guy asked for our help. We lit him on fire. You'll understand if I'm not in a particularly social mood." (Karen, Cabin Fever)

"I'm sorry. You must address me by my full title: King of Everything. Rei di Tutto. But you may call me Ray." (King of the Moon, Baron Munchausen)

"Ask a Soviet engineer to design a pair of shoes and he'll come up with something that looks like the boxes that the shoes came in; ask him to make something that will massacre Germans, and he turns into Thomas Filking Edison." (Neal Stephenson, Cryptonomicon)

"Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast." (Carl Denham, King Kong (1933))

"You shouldn't be trying to eat my friend's brains, you horrible ugly demon people." (Cordelia, Angel)

"Your choice is simple. Join us and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you." (Klaatu, The Day the Earth Stood Still)

"A man can only take so much, but when he gets his hose snipped, that's where I draw the line." (Quark, Quark)

"Animals are fine, but their acceptability is limited. A small child is even better, but not nearly as effective as the right kind of adult." (Lord Summerisle, The Wicker Man)

"I'm going to be immortal, and I'm gonna wear your head as a watch fob!" (Harry, Cast a Deadly Spell)

"Han reacted naturally. That is to say, without thinking." (Star Wars, the first novel)

"You have done me the honor of inviting me to give your academy an account of the life I formerly led as an ape." (Franz Kafka, A Report to the Academy)

"Tell Scully I've been working out. I'm buff." (Frohike, The X-Files)

"It's ugly as hell." (Warren Ellis talks up RevolutionSF)

Post your favorite nerd-related quotes on the Quote-O-Matic.

More lists from the Sci-Fi Quote-O-Matic:

Chuck, Dresden Files, Doctor Who

Life On Mars, Harvey Birdman

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