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X-Files 2: RevolutionSF Survival Guide
© Joe Crowe
November 03, 2007

Hey, remember X-Files? Many of us gave up on it before its run ended in 2002. Now it's umpty-zillion years later, as we sci-fi dorks tell time. Here is what we know about X-Files 2. Together, we can survive it.

1. There will be one on July 9, 2008. Or so they would have us believe. And that's about all we know. No need to worry about the writers strike. Judging from the show's last few seasons, they didn't use any.

2. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are in it, and it takes the "complicated relationship between Mulder and Scully in new directions."

After spawning a telekinetic baby who went to the Plot Hole Closure Relocation Program, a new direction would be settling down in the burbs with a two-car garage.

No word on Skinner or the Coy and Vance of X-Files Monica Reyes and John Damn Doggett, Ass Kicker of the Unnatural.

No word on anyone else either, not even Maria Corvarubbadubious or Jesse "the Body" Ventura.

3. Creator Chris Carter and producer Frank Spotnitz return, too. Chris Carter has done nothin', in the show business at least, since the show ended. Spotnitz did the quickly cancelled Night Stalker. In other words, plenty of time to figure out how the movie ends before they start filming.

4. We like to think we've moved on. It's been nine years since the first movie, and the show flipped and flopped and disintegrated Mulder's sister for four years after.

There are other shows and movies and such to wrap the geek parts of our brains around. Many of them have learned from X-Files, both the good parts (Supernatural) and the other parts (Lost.)

The whole series is on DVD, so we could watch it any time. But we like the actors and creators, and it'd be neat for the band to be back together. I'd like a nice reunion movie. But mid-90s nostalgia may not be extreme! enough.

4. The story is a "stand-alone story and supernatural thriller." So no mythology stuff? OK by me. But really, I don't care what it's about. I liked some of the mythology. I liked a lot of the standalones.

But a lot of the mytharc stuff was frustrating and silly-assed. Some of the standalones were forgettable and silly-assed. Except for "Home," where the giant hillbillies kept their mom under the bed.

So whatever they give us is fine, as long as it doesn't stink. They had trouble with that the last few years. like in the inappropriately titled episode "Closure." (RevSF writer Gary Mitchel says if there are Starlight People, "I will burn the studio down.")

But there will have to be furious backtracking or serious fudging. Scully and Mulder as we left them are not exactly in position to clock in to work on Monday morning. They're on the run from the new conspirators in the government who sentenced Mulder to death because they know when alien colonists are coming.

That presents a nice storytelling challenge. They had trouble with that the last few years, too.

5. The Lone Gunmen are dead. Yeah! Thought we forgot about that, didn't you, X-Files movie people?

Several episodes before the show ended, the fan-favorite Lone Gunmen characters were unceremoniously and badly-writtenly killed off. Needless to say, fans went bitch-cakes , and spazzed in the streets..

Now the Gunmen have no spot. Except that X-Files is fiction. They can come back. They ought to come back. The show doesn't have to follow anything they set up before.

I realize by allowing this caveat, I am opening the trapdoor for everyone from Cigarette Smoking Man to super honeybees.

But for the Gunmen, it'd be worth it. An entertaining and nicely-done new X-Files story would be nice, too.

Tell Scully RevolutionSF humor editor Joe Crowe has been working out. He's buff.

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