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The Sword and the Sorceror (1983)
© Lloyd Woodall
January 01, 2008

Blame Shane Ivey for this one. I was perusing his article on Atilla, and this damnable thing Sword and the Sorceror pops into my head, unbidden, like when I'm concentrating on work and a Bon Jovi song from 1983 whisks through.

I thought I'd forgotten this bloody, sexy piece of whimsy from my 13th year on Earth, 1983, but there it is, in all its long-haired, bare-chested, Matt Houstoney goodness. Come on, you all remember Matt Houston. ABC's attempt at Magnum P.I., minus Tom Selleck and Dobermans and Lamborghinis? Set in, well, Houston, instead of Hawaii? I'll give Lee Horsley credit: I watched.

It would be another year or two before the Muleshoe, Texas, resident's fans would be graced by his suave Magnum sendup on their small screens, so a little memory lapse is forgiven. Since the film came out in the spring of '82 against a recently released Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip, and Hall & Oates and The Beach Boys were still touring, those might explain its poor box office showing.

Also, I was unable to spend my hard, lawnmowing-earned dollars to see the movie thanks to the pesky R rating it was given. Put it up against any R movie today and you'll wonder (briefly) if you've accidentally put in a Disney film.

In the meantime, reruns would provide this award-winning gem (the Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actor to Richard Lynch!) a new, albeit short life on cable, where we could record copies on our VCRs for playback over and over again.

Why? Lee Horsley Kathleen Beller's boobs! Richard Moll (Nostradamus "Bull" Shannon, from Night Court!! The man who would be Manimal, Simon Maccorkindale! Kathleen Beller and her boobs! Award-winning Supporting Actor Richard Lynch (who by the way, always creeps me out). Kathleen Beller's boobs!

So you figured out why I watched it. A lot.

It wasn't for the acting or script. To wit: Prince Talon: "Come now, let's be off. There's a battle in the offing! We've got kingdoms to save and women to love!"

Someone needs to get with the remaking on this one, pronto. Hire Weta's laziest crew members for the effects. Their worst work will make the original's effects crew look like Jurassic Park. Toss Bianca Beauchamp (Not Safe Where It's Dangerous to Look At Female Nakedness) into Kathleen Beller's negligee since it doesn't matter if she needs to act. No offense, Bianca. Tell Rip Torn you're remaking The Beastmaster, this time with no animals. (By the way, love the IMDB picture, Marc Singer).

Then get real-life Matt Houston, Matthew McConaughey to fill Prince Talon's loincloth. He has his shirt off 99.99987546% of the time anyway.

Lloyd Woodall is more of an Oates guy. Hall, not so much.

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