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John Carter of Mars Movie Really Gets Someone To Play John Carter
© Joe Crowe
June 12, 2009

OMG!!!!!! John Carter is Gambit!!!111!!!!


I report with quiet, dignified restraint the satisfactory news that actors have been cast to play John Carter of Mars and the beautiful Dejah Thoris, also of Mars, in a John Carter of Mars movie.

Taylor Kitsch, Gambit from the Wolverine movie, will play John Carter. Lynn Collins, Silverfox also from the Wolverine movie, will play the beloved Dejah Thoris. She is also Dawn Green in True Blood, but whoa! Silverfox was plenty. Ms. Collins doesn't have to work so hard to play Dejah Thoris, whose beauty requires no labor.

Really casting human actors in a real movie is a bold, vivacious step for a movie that I have only wanted to see my whole life. Or since I read John Carter in grade school, whichever came first.

The movie is directed by Andrew Stanton, the Pixar guy who did Wall*E. I'm pretty sure no one will be naked like in the books. I am OK with that. There. I said it. Wait. I belay my approval until I make sure Phil Collins and Rosie O'Donnell are not singing and/or playing a blue monkey.

Michael Chabon did something with the script, which inpired me to craft a a work of poetry.

Again my delicate muse does burst forth.

Word up, motherfilkers!
It's John Carter of Mars!
Gambit in a loincloth
Make ladies pop they bras!

Gambit and his woman
movie made by Pixars
It be trippin' but you know
They got to wear drawers

Ladies and gentlemen, Tars Tarkas!

My name is Tars Tarkas
Green and big
That's true

White apes! Kangaroos!
I beat your whole wack crew
I got four arms
For you I only need two

When I say Barsoom
You say Mars!

Now when I say Dejah
You say no name so beautiful ever fell from the crimson glow of her lips so perfect as formed on a face so lustrous and exquisite on that far-away unearthly land!

Word to the Tharks!

RevolutionSF's Joe Crowe read other books besides John Carter of Mars but he is not sure what they were.

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