Marvel Superhero Island is like a comic book convention, but outdoors with no panel discussions. And it has 3-D rides that are awesome. The only thing cons have are sweaty elevator rides with sardine-packed fellow dorks. Those are not awesome.

Marvel Superhero Island

The best bathrooms are on Marvel Super Hero Island. The bathrooms are watched over by a 20-foot diorama of Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner. He's an arrogant king in the comics, but at Marvel Super Hero Island, he's the patron saint of the crapper. "Flush that potty, or face the wrath of the Avenging Son! So swears Namor!"

DC's Aquaman is many things, but he's not lord over a theme park toilet.

Marvel Super Hero Island is so nerdily neat. There are sad, uninformed citizens who visit there, who know nothing about the heroes and villains on 30-foot posters on neon-colored buildings. For those people, I weep.

For the rest of us: There's a Daily Bugle newspaper box! There's a Yancy Street sign! There's the office of Donald Blake, M.D. And the Law Offices of Nelson and Murdock! There's the Fantasticar! There's a Blaze and Ketch Construction sign!

I'm not sure how the two Ghost Riders got into the construction business.

It had a comic book store. I knew it wasn't like a regular outside the park comic book store, because the guy behind the counter wasn't smoking and ranting about that month's X-Men.

I bought an Incredible Hulk notepad. It had a Hulk comic cover on the front, and a half-degree fainter version of the green and purple cover on every pad page. That is not conducive to note-taking, people.

Dr. Doom's Fearfall and the Hulk Rollercoaster are designed to make you blow chunks of Fantastic Four spaghetti all over Stan Lee Boulevard.

Spider-Man

I got my picture with Spider-Man. Now I can retire.

The Spider-Man ride gift shop sold Gwen Stacy dolls. You rode the ride! Now get Spidey's dead girlfriend!

This ride rules. You ride on a car on a track, which abruptly goes vertical, so you're going straight up, 90 degrees. Then you get attacked by Spidey villains voiced by the people from the 1990s Spidey cartoon. The best part is when the bad guys throw you off a roof.

As we plunged down, plummeting to the city streets, I hoped Spidey had better luck catching us than he did Gwen Stacy.

Live guys in Marvel costumes were all around. I had so many questions. Unlike the guys in Grinch and Bluto suits, they can communicate back. Is it hot in those suits? Did you do research in case you get ambushed by a hardcore fan? Is this the only character you play, or do you have to be Olive Oyl in a half hour? I would have asked Wolverine that.

Captain America was perfectly nice. It's his duty. He didn't bash me with the shield when my camera didn't work the first time. He went right on taking pictures with children and saving orphans from burning school buses.

I was in one of the stores, admiring some Ben Grimm boxer shorts, when my sweetie-pie, kind of frantically, said the X-Men were there. They were standing in the door of the store.

When I got my picture with them, Storm said to me "How you doing, Shorty?"

Rogue then added, "She was just razzing you." Thanks for that. But I didn't hear that from Storm. Maybe she really thought I was short.

But I chose not to get into a Yo Mama So Fat contest with someone who controls the weather.