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Postcards from the Event Horizon : Stephen Hawking Wants Our Planet
© Desmond Reddick
August 15, 2010

I feel the need to apologize.

Last time we talked, I warned you about the dangers of sending information into space in the fear of hostile aliens finding a nice little vacation home. Well, I actually passed on Stephen Hawking's warning to you. And that is why I need to apologize.

You see, I'm man enough to admit that I jumped on the bandwagon. Hell, I'm an atheist and Hawking has done more to explain the unexplainable parts of our universe than any other person in history so perhaps I'm a little more hard wired to listen to what he says.

So why do I need to apologize? I understand that my reach is long and the influence of my voice is immeasurable. In the months since you last heard from me, a major motion picture has been developed on the premise I outlined last time: Skyline.

But my discovery of said motion picture happened on the same day that another news wire story came out regarding our “friend” Dr. Hawking.

In this story headlined "Mankind must abandon earth or face extinction," Hawking not only furthers his "We Are Filked" agenda, he wraps a violent threat in a scientific theory.

He may as well be saying, "Abandon earth or we will destroy you, flesh bag!"

Last time I wrote the following: “He writes books no one understands and he talks like a damned robot! We have to listen to this man." This time I'm saying that that is the very reason that we should NOT listen to him. You see, my friends, I have come to a realization that may shake the very foundations of our reality.

Stephen Hawking is a robot.

And he wants our planet for him and his robot buddies. It's as simple as that. I'm not just throwing wild theories around either.

My proof:

1. His warning about sending messages into space that I followed so lemming-like was not to preserve our life on this planet, it was intended to cut us off from the help that other carbon-based lifeforms might bestow upon us in a robot uprising. It is the planetary equivalent of a cell phone not working in a horror film.

2. Way before Warren Ellis was trying to convince us all that he was brilliant -- when he actually was brilliant -- he was writing an amazing comic that stopped being published at issue twelve because the world could no longer handle its coolness: Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E.

In the eleventh issue of said comic, the Nextwave team were battling their way across several double page spreads of ridiculous villains when they happened upon robotic Stephen Hawkings with laser eyes and the caption reads as follows: “Nextwave know that science is a trick on white people and that the shamans of the mountains, the jungle, the desert and the steppe have hated Stephen Hawking for five thousand years."

Seriously, the steppe is where it's at.

3. He talks like a robot! Has it not occurred to anyone that he may actually be a robot?!

4. The final piece of evidence, and what I like to call the coup de grace because I'm like that, is the quote found within this latest press release that goes as follows: "That is why I'm in favour of manned, or should I say 'personed,' space flight." Why not “manned” Steve? Huh? Is it because you find the use of the word "man" distasteful? Robot scum.

So what's the answer? The answer is: keep on keepin' on. Not because I'm lazy, oh no. It's because a phrase and life mantra such as "keep on keepin' on" not only puzzles robots, it may be lackadaisical but it may also be confounding enough to make robots' heads explode after a rather invigorating round of spinning said head amidst smoke and klaxons while shouting "Does not compute!"

The positive side of things is that it appears that Hawking wants us to leave. So, I have to guess that the robots are unprepared to rise up and destroy us at this time. That is why they are creating a disinformation stream to try and get us to leave.

I'm not some blowhard who thinks that we can all get together and stand united against this threat. In fact, that's the worst thing we can do. After all, that would put us all in the same place! We'd be robot fodder. I promise you.

So, don't hop on a rocket. Stay right where you are. What I will recommend is that we don't deviate from the norm. Except maybe unplug the coffee machine at night. It will add to the life of this essential product and ensure that it will not kill you while you sleep.

Desmond Reddick, host of the weekly horror podcast Dread Media, has come to terms with the impending robot uprising. He drinks, and it helps.

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