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Swamp Shark
Reviewed by Tammie Snowden, © 2011

Format: Movie
By:   Griff Furst
Genre:   Creature feature
Review Date:   September 26, 2011

What can I say about a movie that transplants to a Louisiana swamp a genetically enhanced prehistoric bull shark, with armor, that was found in waters so unknown that they challenge the Marianas Trench in mystery and depth?

In a word: Awesome.

Dear Kristy Swanson, This was no Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But hey. What the heck else were you doing?

Some of the best moments of this film are when the shark stalks its victims before carefully decapitating them.

And by decapitating, I mean the shark leaps from a swamp, which should be shallow or at least pretty boggy, and takes off only the head of a policeman on the deck surveying the area for foul play from the town drunk, who was already dancing underwater with Swamp Shark.

This shark must have had lots of practice in decapitation. This one was flawless. The body stood headless for a minute before crumpling to the ground and the shark disappeared into the swamp water with no splash. That’s a perfect 10, or at least a 9.95.

The film comes complete with a smart Asian dude who works in the kitchen of Kristy Swanson's Gator Shack. There's a Blue Steel mugging pretty boy with something to prove, the hometown hero, the corrupt sheriff, the out-of-towner officer who wants to put a stop to the black market animal trade, and the pretty and dutiful shopkeeper who just wants to keep her business running and her family safe.

If something has been living beneath the deepest trench of the ocean and is now living in a shallow swamp and has been feeding off big old gators, it is indestructible.

The smart Asian dude and the rifle-toting Gator shack owner had this conversation and came to that conclusion.

You may now take your thumb and index finger and pinch the bridge of your nose while squeezing your eyes tightly closed and furrowing your brow in an effort to understand.

The best scene is the death of Swamp Shark. You know those airboats you see in every movie filmed in a swamp, with the big fan on the back? Yeah! Those are everywhere here, because of all the swamp travelin’.

They launch a propane tank into Swamp Shark’s mouth and shoot it. The explosion backfires and kills peripheral characters. You’ve met them but you don’t know them. So it's no big loss.

Then they harpoon Swamp Shark and get him ashore. But he one-ups them and beaches himself. Then he munches on the people on the shore, who for some inexplicable reason race straight into Swamp Shark's mouth.

It’s a shark, people. It can’t turn its head to nab you. Running around the beached shark should keep you in the land of the living.

Anyway, they harpoon the shark and coil the rope around the fan motor of the airboat and it reels in this mammoth shark without burning the motor out. Swamp Shark become Ground Shark and all is well at the Gator Shack.

I don’t care what anyone says. This movie is fantastic!

There is a lot more blood than the usual B-movie, but the people don't have water hoses for veins, so the amounts of blood are not terrible. For me, lots of blood is the mark of a good cheesy movie.

The kiddos can watch it with you. The scenes of violence are so over the top and impossible to accomplish in real life. No one is gonna want Mom and Dad to check the closet and under the bed for monsters.

However, Swamp Shark did survive just fine out of water.


If you think you can handle Swamp Shark, buy it here.

Fellows, let's be reasonable, huh? This is not the time or the place for Tammie Snowden to perform some kind of a half-assed autopsy on a fish.

 
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