“You see this writing? You know what it means? Hospitality! And you can’t piss on hospitality!”
Troll 2 had a lot going on: a storytelling grandpa who talked to his grandson from beyond the grave, vegetarian goblins, tree-human hybrids, Utah, a revealing place name, a creepy boyfriend-related side story, a crazy lady, a seance, uncountable priceless quotes, a corn-on-the cob popcorn makeout scene, a magical stone, the power of goodness, and a surprisingly coherent story line (relatively speaking, of course).
It opens with a kid named Joshua listening to his dead Grandpa Seth tell him the terrifying story of some guy named Peter who was being chased by goblins, then got tricked into eating something by a lovely woman, which ultimately caused him to start bleeding chlorophyll and turn into a human-tree hybrid.
As we all know, a goblin’s favorite food is a human that has been turned partway into a plant, so what follows next is obvious.
His parents are upset because Grandpa Seth died months before, and Joshua’s psychologist told him not to think about the old guy anymore. So, the family goes on vacation. Joshua’s sister wants to bring her boyfriend, who spends too much time with his friends, but her boyfriend shows up late, and the family already left without him.
Clearly, the logical thing to do in that situation is grab an RV and one’s best friends and follow one’s girlfriend to the vacation destination. Which is, of course, what he did.
The family exchanges households with a country family from Nilbog (kudos to those who can see where this is going!), and things go downhill from there, but only Joshua knows what is truly going on, because his grandfather keeps appearing to him in strange places and telling him to keep his family from eating anything through questionable means.
Suddenly Ghost Grandpa Seth has special powers! Grandpa freezes the family in time to prevent them from eating said food. Then Joshua takes a leak on the food.
The crazy sexy librarian gothic lady is my favourite character. The actress who plays her, Deborah Reed, understands that if a movie is going to be terrible, you may as well overact theatre-style.
She plays Creedence Leonore Gielgud, who seems to lead the goblins, and loves to blend organic vegetable smoothies and bake organic vegetarian cakes to feed to people to turn them into green goo to feed the goblins.
It makes more sense when you watch the movie, of course. Right?
Lessons from Troll 2
I’ll share about what I’ve learned from this movie.
1. Goblins are vegetarians, but only in the sense that they turn their meat into vegetable substance (well, chlorophyll) before eating it. They also like to stick pillows in their shirts, and, when in human form, have clover-leaf-shaped moles.
2. The most horrifying thing to a goblin is a double-decker bologna sandwich.
3. They get their power from a magic stone.
4. The Fellowship of Latter Day Saints is not the only closed religious community in Utah. The Kingdom of the Goblins is probably smaller, though.
5. Best friends suspect absolutely nothing when one or more of them goes missing.
6. Eating an organic vegetarian diet turns you into goblin food.
7. "Remember: It is only the power of goodness that can defeat the goblins." -- Grandpa Seth
8. Last, but not least, it is easier to get your father to accept your boyfriend if all your boyfriend’s friends get killed.
Total Rating: 7
Flow:6 out of 10
Special Effects: 4 out of 10
Character Development: 2 out of 10
Entertainment Value: 10 out of 10
Check out Best Worst Movie, a movie about this movie.
Here's the Troll 2 trailer.
Buy Troll 2 right here. As a bonus, you get Troll 1.
And here is the Single most beautifully executed line in the history of acting.