The new Star Wars movie is, as we write this, almost in theaters. The last time this happened, here's where our heads were.
Thought No. 1: "Holy crap, we finally get to see The Duel, and The Volcano, and Palpatine uses a lightsaber, and Mace Windu goes down but not like a punk because Samuel L. Jackson said so, and, and. . . ."
Thought No. 2: "Anakin Skywalker is a frickin' whiner and my dead Rottweiler has better dialog than the last two movies. I loved Star Wars, but Star Wars betrayed me! At least Peter Jackson is still worthy. . . ."
I know, there are some of you who thought Episode I and Episode II were genuinely good movies. But the rest of us are stuck in the saddest back-and-forth since Faye Dunaway came clean in Chinatown. "I love Star Wars!I hate Star Wars! I love it AND I hate it! (Sob!)"
Here's a list of what we thought of all the previous six movies.
Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: A New Hope
Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Sucks/Rocks:
Return of the Jedi
Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: The Phantom Menace
Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: Attack of the Clones
Star Wars Sucks/Rocks: Revenge of the Sith
Joe Crowe's Bonus Review:
STAR WARS FAQ by Mark Clark
It's a perfect time for this book. It's jammed full, 425 pages, of Star Wars minutiae guaranteed to help you lord it over your peers with your scores in Star Wars Facebook quizzes.
Clearly, writer Mark Clark has an affection for the subject. The depth of information and knowledge is the kind of thing you'll leave on your coffee table and pick up when you want to know something about IG-88. It reads like he had fun writing it.
I have to support a person whose name rhymes, like mine. Mark Clark and I know the struggle.
Clark includes a chapter on the Star Wars Holiday Special, a production that I will champion from here to Chewie's treehouse.
And for everyone who has decided to embrace relentless negativity about Star Wars, the talking rabbit from Marvel's Star Wars comic has five words for you: