This is Joe Crowe. Don't stop believin'. Hold on to that FEE-LAY-IN'.
Here's my Letter O' The Week, based on my news story, Sean
Astin Is A Big Fat Actor and Other Observations:
Subject: Get a [filking] life!
To whom it may concern: I was not at all amused by the revolting and openly
heartless story about Sean Astin. The writer openly calls Mr. Astin a "fat
ass". Then, he goes on to assume that we agree. Well, buddy, we don't.
I think you're a pathetic excuse for a human being who's been shot down so
many times that you couldn't get back on your feet if you had a ladder! I
think it's incredibly rude and presumptious of you to write a story like this.
And if you have so much free time that you can think up [poopie] like
this, then maybe you should consider getting a real job. That is, if anyone
would hire you. (email@example.com)
Actually, I referred to Astin's ass as being "dead," not "fat."
But my favorite part of this letter is how the writer doesn't even get through
the second line before the personal attack starts. Wheeee!
Subject: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead
Yep, after several tries to access your old nemesis HO over the last week,
I must say:
You actually outlived your predecessors- good!
Have a couple beers on me (except of course, without me actually SENDING the
$$ for it).
More to come as I find more to crab about- starting with the total LACK of
COFFEE in my blood. AAARRRGGG!!! (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Muchos grassy ass, huevos amigo. Goodness knows, we drank enough when we
Speaking of, several other people have RevolutionSF'ed our former employers,
Two of Hecklers' former contest people have started up HumorMeOnline.com.
The Zealot trivia hordes are on Zealot-trivia.net.
And the guys who did all the flash animation stuff for Hecklers are at JabTV.com.
So, how many requests have you had for Phil Black and Kenn McCracken to trade
first names? Not that Kenn Black is a laff riot... (email@example.com)
I have nothing but pity for poor Kenn, who has had to live with this his
whole life. All my name does is rhyme.
[Producer's note: We don't actually have a Phil Black at RevolutionSF.
We have Phillip "ANT Caustic the First" White as a contributor, and
Josh "ANT Nomad" Black as an honorary contributor--we'd run his stuff
if he'll ever write any--but no Phil Black. Luckily, Kenn White isn't much of
a laff riot, either. -- Shane Ivey]
I love Wolf Lake. I start liking a show and they take it off the air. I will
not watch CBS again unless they bring it back. But there a lot of people feeling
the same way I do. They have a good show and just like that take it off. Don't
guess you all know what will happen? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
I suspect it'll stay off, unless they by chance bring it back in reruns,
to re-show what they have already shown. Get out your VCR, so you can save them.
MAYBE, they'll show the ones not aired yet, or Sci
Fi Channel might buy the reruns. It happens all the time with lots of sci-fi
But as far as not watching CBS ever again unless they bring it back, looks to
me like you won't be watching CBS ever again. You'll miss David Letterman. But
that's pretty much it.
Subject: marshul arts
hey i was serching 4 moovies and i saw this cool trailr 4 a funy marshul
arts moovie it looks cool and its coming out next month i think u should take
a look at it (email@example.com)
The link was to a trailer of Kung
Pow: Enter The Fist at apple.com. If you want it, go get it. Or you could
just watch it on your TV. "I ... need... GOPHER-CHUKS!"
It's funny you should misspell "movies" as "moovies," since
there's a cow in the trailer. Ha ha. Hee.
Subject: Did you know...
Someone made a Zealot
WinAmp skin! It was a while ago that I found it but still, if you guys
havn't run accross it I'm telling you now ^_~ (firstname.lastname@example.org)
only seen it 3 times thus far
Ya know the bit in the Mines of Moria right after the Fellowship has defeated
the cave troll? Where Frodo pulls back his tunic to reveal his Mithril coat?
Does anyone else want Legolas to sigh, "ooh. sexy lingerie"? ::sighs::
yeah. me too. (email@example.com)
You love Legolas. You want to marry him. You LUUUUUUUUUUUVVV him.
Subject: flapping noisezzzzzz
Are you aware that your webpage makes flapping noises? It just...goes...fla-flap!
Like a bird...It is talking to me...AG! I have not seen that ringy movie yet.
But BE INFORMED! I SHALL! I saw ummmm? OW! MY POTSTICKERS!!!!!! ??????????????????????????????????????????????
Yeah, you shall. Or this
website will never shut up.
Subject: why was i not here!!!?!?
ah!! i wasnt here!! and JHONEN
my all mighty god of mighty powers was!!! well..sigh..at least you guys posted
the chat..and by doing so you've made
me the happiest teenage gal in all of..umm..where am i...umm...hayward california!!
woo!!thank you people you have made my new year the specialist ever!!::gives
giant bone crushing intestine smushing hug of pure happy
(note:all things jhonen make me overflow with puslike happiness!! please do
more jhonen related things!!) (AvErAgE_FrEaK777@hotmail.com)
Coolness! We like making teenage girls happy.
Within the boundaries of the law, of course.
Subject: Revolution SF Should Have The Following
1)Fine, no fan art. I wasn't gonna send any, but I wanted to see what everyone
else could cook up.
SURE you weren't.
2)I never see any video game reviews when I go there. All I found was an
article on E3.
3)No, no, I mean something like ZORR (Zealot's Own Reviews and Rants). Of
course, the name should be changed to RORR.
4)Stuff like movie trailers, and maybe a Revolution SF radio show.
5)I'll give you five minutes.
6)Links to other sci-fi sites, sites you guys like to visit, and most importantly,
links to awesome web comics like Megatokyo, Penny Arcade, Little Gamers and
Okay, okay! Now will you stop calling my house?
So this is the guy that invented the Maul Sabre, huh? Is it just me or with
a weapon like that it is a miracle that Maul didn't fall in half before he
ever finished training as a sith. When people fight with a bo or quarter staff,
that thing is in contact with their body in lots of places other than hands.
Yeah it was a pretty effect but, being a grumpy hyper-critical guy, I was
complaining to my wife when we saw it on the preview trailer. Heck... I'm
still complaining about it. Now I have a name other than Lucas to pin it on.
Ha ha ha. Now if someone can just give me the name of whoever suggested the
mediclorian crap, I might even start to like Lucas again. Nah, not a prayer.
I'm going to go tease the cat now. Bwahahahaha. Maybe I'll let the toddlers
play with it. Bwahahahahaha. Okay enough of that. I'm bored..zzzzz....zzzzz....maybe
some new stuff tommorrow huh guys or will you have recovered from the New
Year's Eve party by then? (firstname.lastname@example.org)
You didn't like the Maul Sabre? I'd like to think he didn't train while
someone ELSE was holding one. Maybe his training partner was just holding the
big kick-bag and ducking a lot.
What New Year's Eve party?
I don't suppose I'll ever see the Justice
League cartoon, since I don't have cable, but I agree that it's not right
to substitute fake characters in place of the Justice Society. (BTW, could
Tom Turbine be Red Tornado?) Furthermore, it just doesn't make any sense for
DC Comics to deny permission to use the characters.
I don't know how well JSA is selling, but revivals of older comics don't usually
do very well. Introducing the cartoon viewers to the JSA would raise awareness
of the characters and might persuade a viewer to pick up the comic book, I
Another thing: doesn't Warner Bros. own DC Comics? Wouldn't all of DC's character
rights be owned by WB? (email@example.com)
It's all companies within companies, so technically yes, but red-tapeally,
no. Crap in a hat, I don't know. Sigh.
Red Tornado! But of course! But that just makes me madder. They coulda had Red
Tornado on a cartoon. Sigh again.
THE FOLLOWING IS A LONG LETTER ABOUT FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. PLEASE KEEP
YOUR HANDS INSIDE THE VEHICLE.
So I was right about Arwen's transfiguration when Frodo saw her from the
shadow realm. That was a beautiful scene. It came at a different time in the
book, I think, because the Nazgul saw Glorfindel transfigured like that at
the ford at Rivendell, and I was a tad disappointed that wasn't evident at
that confronatation, but perhaps it was a point-of-view problem from the filmmaker's
Frodo's first glimpse of Arwen brought tears to my eyes, as did Boromir's
redemption. Sean Bean enobled Boromir's character so much that I thought he
came off better in the film than in the book. He was magnificent. His self-sacrifice
to protect Merry and Pippen was heart-wrenching to watch. Unlike when I read
the books as a boy, now I identify with Boromir more than any other character,
I think. He just wanted to save his people, whom he'd seen killed in the endless
battles at the border with Mordor. I wonder who will play Faramir, who is
the brother of Boromir.
Wenham plays Faramir. --Shane Ivey]
That wizard battle was not in the books, but it was way cool. Christopher
Lee made Saruman more formidable than he is even in the books.
Overall, I loved it. One of the best movies of all time, as far as I'm concerned.
I've been looking forward to it for so long, though, I just wanted more when
it was over. It seemed like it rushed by, with those events that took me weeks
to read about telescoped into such as short time, even though it was a long
It seems downright cruel to space these films out a year apart, when one book
leads right into the other.
I can't wait to see the Ents, which were among my favorite characters in the
books. They'll show up in the next movie.
I had some minor quibbles, but nothing that really detracted from my enjoyment
of the movie. I thought the music -- pretty as it was -- was a little too
relentless, and it got a little loud in places and distracted from the dialogue.
One memorable line from the book that I was waiting on was never delivered,
and I was disappointed by that. When the balrog steps out, the only ones who
recognize it for what it is are Gandalf and Legolas, and Legolas is the first
to name it. He goes, "Aiiee! A balrog! A balrog is come!" And he's
scared s***less. When this immortal elf is terrified by the thing, it makes
the balrog even scarier. I liked the way Orlando Bloom carried himself and
moved in battle as Legolas, but I didn't see enough of that ancientness in
his eyes that I think he should have conveyed. And I thought Cate Blanchett
was too plain for Galadriel. She didn't need to be some Hollywood bimbo, but
her features needed to be finer, more classic. I'm not sure who I would have
[Gwyneth Paltrow, maybe, but then they wouldn't have had any money left
for miscellaneous things, like a Gandalf or an effects budget. And I don't think
she could have pulled off the depth that the role needs in as little screen
time as was allowed. --Shane Ivey]
I loved the introduction film about the origin of the ring, which was distilled
from snippets of LOTR and the Silmarillion. That was fantastic, and I loved
how you could see Elrond in that battle, and again in the present, so he becomes
a bridge between the two ages. My wife Suz said she thought she saw Legolas
as one of the archers in that ancient battle, but I'm going to have to see
it again and look for him.
Suz loved Legolas. She kept raving about how graceful he was. My son Matthew
thought it was cool how he shot the arrow in the troll's mouth. And the Uruk-Hai
orcs were bad to the bone.
I'll be going back. And those previews! 2002 two may be the best year for
movies ever, with Star Wars Episode II, The Two Towers, Spider Man -- a cinematic
Well, Legolas' jaw does tighten a bit (on second viewing, I looked carefully
at that scene), but he doesn't freak out. Did anyone notice when they're in
the snowy mountain, digging a trench through it, that Legolas walks on top of
the snow? He does it for the honies.
Would Pinhead from Hellraiser Do?
Burn every copy of Bloodlines and pretend it never ever happened. (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Would Pinhead from Hellraiser Do?
I would just like to say that I think it's unfair to pose WWXD questions
involving characters from scary movies that I am not allowed to watch.
Righteously yours, Timid in Tunbridge Wells
(P.S. Although I suppose he might spike the punch. Get it? *Spike* the punch?
Aha. Ahahahaha. *snrk* Whee!) (email@example.com)
Aw, Hellraiser's for babies. "What you think of as pain is only a shadow."
Boo hoo hoo.
Now if you want a REALLY scary movie, try Runaway Bride.