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Subspace: Spinning in Tolkien's Grave
Hosted by Joe Crowe

This is Joe Crowe, excerptor of Lord of the Rings: the Novelization.

It is said that sci-fi fans are a humorless and pedantic bunch, prone to bouts of paranoia and rage.

Join me now, for I shall open the RevolutionSF mailbag, so that you can make your own decision about the truth of that statement.

"He lives with his wife and they have cats."
Ya-Ha! genius!
I loved the part with Arwen using her hydrokinesis like a character in X-men, and then referring to Elrond as "Dad." Hilarious. I think the Arwen and Frodo scene is more laugh-out-loud funny than the Hobbiton scene. Making Gandalf sound like a pedophile creeped me out a little. (sithbane@charter.net)

LOL!!! I laughed til' I puked! Reminded me of that terrible novelization of Ep I by Terry Brooks . . . classic! All the unnecessary details.. lol! (stephenbulla@hotmail.com)

I enjoyed the LotR Novelisation very much (+) . . . and I'm looking forward to the day it's finally published. On that day I'll finally trash my load of old books by that un-American uncool Tolkien (a Jackson pre-plagiator), who wrote politically incorrect novels with words like "wrought" and "agape", and, furthermore, totally neglected the crucial role of Arwen in the War of the Ring.

Hurray! (eli@israel.net)

Argh . . . too . . . many . . . run-ons. Need . . . red . . . pen . . . to . . . write . . . on . . . screen . . . and . . . correct. Run-ons . . . making . . . me . . . weak . . . like . . . green . . . kryptonite . . . and . . . apathetic . . . > like . . . red . . . kryptonite. Need . . . to . . . read . . . actual . . . Tolkien . . . to . . . reverse . . . effect. AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!! (smarko98@aol.com)

This is a joke, right? It's humor such as the Edgar Harris stuff that Revolution SF publishes, right? Right? (Doug Potter)

Is this intentionally a parody? It's funny, but I think I hear Tolkien spinning in his grave (probably faster than anyone or anything has ever spun before). (walenski@giccs.georgetown.edu)

I'll take that as a compliment.

ummm, that was fake, right? ::wary:: (nohx1013@netscape.net)

You guys are kidding, right? RIGHT!? I'm looking for the 'Humour' label and I don't see it! Anyone who writes a novelisation of a movie based on a novel should have their artistic licence revoked. (sarah-neko@dove.gen.nz)

Then it began . . . a trickle at first . . .

This is a joke, right? This is the WORST writing I have seen in ages. (dochas@excite.com)

This might be funny, if it was a little funnier. I think it's a challenge that requires a little (or a lot) more thought and work to pull off. But the concept
is o.k. -- much as I liked the movie, there's plenty to poke a gag at. I'd be interested in knowing if others liked this. (korg70kbc@hotmail.com)

Uh, Hello? It's already a novel! A novel 100 times better than the drivel that I just read on your site. Have you even read the original books? The old man and woman scowling at Gandalf as he rides into town are Otho and Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. Read the book and you'll see what I mean. I hope no one buys your book. It's the worst piece of garbage I've ever read. The Movie was awesome and I can forgive Peter Jackson some license with the books because he was turning a wonderfull book into a wonderful movie, but to then turn that movie into a stupid book is just cheap. (skjohns@tds.net)

Then for a few letter-writers, I stepped out from behind the curtain.

Bravo! I took the bait, all the way down. Good Job. (dochas@excite.com)

You don't know how glad I am to hear that it's a joke. As a joke, it's rather funny. I'm not such a purist that I can't laugh. My husband has a copy of "Bored of the Rings" that's supposed to be funny and if he can ever find his copy of it, I'll probably read it. (skjohns@tds.net)

Well-you certainly got me.Whew! (Doug Potter)

Well, keep up the good work. (thanks for responding, I didn't expect that.) I did chuckle a few times. Your chosen style -- subtle satire, (or perhaps 'leading/spoiling,' I guess I'd call it), has got to be the toughest in the genre. My problem with it was that it seemed to fall off the edge into silliness a little too easily.

It never ceases to amaze me how people can get riled up by satire. It's obvious they took some time to think about it -- (by the fact that they respond.) (korg70kbc@hotmail.com)

And then the floodgates opened . . . pour it on me, baby!

Just one word: horrible. The text is much poor, I don't believe that it's made by an real writer . . . Seems amateur too much. It's a heresy to a Tolkien books. (marcioformiga@hotmail.com)

Don't waste your time. This is a very pale imitation of Tolkien, with no substance or magic. (alan@amigacooke.freeserve.co.uk)

What is wrong with you guys? you're actually going to publish this crap? A book doesnt need a novellization..geez buy a clue guys. Btw, this isnt purely a rant about it being made a novel. This rant is about the truly horid 'writing' of this so called novel.

Matt shelton
-by the way..tolkien scorned the use of cursing in his books. I'm sure he's rolling in his grave at this mockery. (ads52@msn.com)

Is this some sort of sick joke? A novel based on the movie based on the book. Not only totally uncalled for but also showing a complete lack of respect for the original author. I hope you carefully think about the potential backlash from the many devoted fans before you go ahead and publish. The movie was a good translation of the book into another media, but it doesn't require a noveliztion that could compete, (as if it ever could) with the original. (eynon_p@yahoo.co.nz)

Whoever thought up doing this should be ashamed of themselves. This is sacrelege! The movie was a masterpiece . . . but this . . . THIS is a travesty! There is NO REASON to do this. The books exist, and exist in their ORIGINAL FORM. There is absolutely no purpose in producing a novelization of the screenplay EXCEPT as a cheap, tawdry attempt to make cash off the movie's greatness. It's sick, it's cheap, it's low, and it shouldn't be done! It's whoring, pure and simple, and it cheapens the movie AND the original work!

If someone wants to read the books, LET THEM READ WHAT TOLKIEN WROTE! If they want to see the movie, let them go watch it, or buy the DVD when it is released. There is more than enough printed merchandise about the movie -- I work in a bookstore, and sell the stuff, I should know! There are at least SIX different printed forms of the Lord of the Rings in the original. There is NO NEED for a new form, especially a dumbed-down version based upon the screenplay! I've even had people asking me at the store "are you sure this isn't a book based on the movie, now . . . I don't want that, I want the REAL book". I had to prove it to a woman by going through the book, and showing her chapters and scenes that were not in the movie, so she would believe me and buy the book . . . all because it had movie tie-in pictures on the cover.

This is revisionist art of the worst sort, an attempt to supplant the great work that is the original literature with the new novelization, so new readers won't realize that there is STUFF MISSING from the movie, that Saruman originally WASN'T on Sauron's side, that Gimli *didn't* expect a welcome at Moria, and that Arwen *didn't* rescue Frodo at the ford, it was Glorfindel, an elf that never appears in the movie . . . and what about poor Tom Bombadil, a character who would never be known at all, except in the original books?

This book should never be published. It is a mistake. Don't do it! It is unnecessary at best, and a crime against literature at worst! (ardrhi@voicenet.com)

And then, the light began to dawn . . .

Geez, is my face red, or what?
You got me.
I didn't read it close enough. I was just so incensed that someone would even *suggest* a novellization of the LOTR movie . . . I'm still shaking.

Hey, my mouth was open. You got me. (ardrhi@voicenet.com)

This next one comes from a professional!

From the samples that you have here, all I can say that this is terrible writing. Tolkien must be spinning in his grave at the thought of elves having the power of "hydrokinesis." Do the memory of Tolkien a favor and reread his letters in which he responds to a script written for a movie version of his works. His disgust over the script writer calling lembas, the waybread of the elves, a "food concentrate" is probably how the good professor would have reacted to Arwen's psychic powers.

I will not recommend this novelization of the movie to anyone, but I should let you know that I will use it in my college courses to show how the entertainment industry has devised a philopsher's stone in reverse. You foolish publishing alchemists have transmuted literary gold into lead. (jcarroll@ric.edu)

Then came the flood of anonymous letters. I can't respond to them, since they have no e-mail listed. I just hope they don't go out and hurt someone.

Namely, me, because I'm delicate.

you've really got to be kidding right?
This book has been out for decades. Don't bastardize it. (anonymous)

You're kidding, right? That is HORRIBLE! Whoever's writing that piece of s*** should be burned at the stake! Tolkien wrote the best book ever, and Peter Jackson made the best movie out of it so what's the freaking point of writing a BAD NOVEL FROM IT???

He's never read the book, who gave him the rights?! He could at least come up with HOBBIT names he is such a MORON. The Tolkien purists will, and should, kill him for that. Who the hell will read it anyway?! I'm speechless. (anonymous)

Awful. It seems like an entirely different story, devoid of any magic that Tolkien put on paper. "I know! I'll use hydrokensis!" Please! (anonymous)

What the hell is this trash?
As if the movie wasn't bad enough in many ways (although an excellent movie overall) there are now people writing THIS crap? Absolutely pathetic, and I hope to hell that the author is slapped by a fat lawsuit by the Tolkein Foundation, if for nothing more than poor taste.

-Mike (anonymous -- well -- I mean, except for his first name)

And here's a masterful screed from an anonymous.

I recently saw something that at first, made me chuckle.

Then, it made me confused.

Then it made me angry, and fearful that Tolkien was going to come back to life, and murder a good deal of people.

I am talking, of course, about a b . . . I was going to say book, but from the exampts that I read, I just can't reward it with that name. Let's just call it Deadly Sin Against Mankind.

After reading an exampt from the Deadly Sin Against Mankind that was based on the Major Motion Picture From New Line Cinema, I thought to myself . . .

"Hey, wait a minute! This is crap! It looks like it was slapped together by a fourteen-year-old with Downs! Ok, ok, where's that "this is a joke" messege they hide on sites like this?" There was no stamp. I realized soon, that this pile of bull[sith] that currently tainted my screen was the very thing it claimed to be.

Frankly, I pitty your souls. If ever in the history of mankind anyone arose from the dead to take revenge, Tolken will arise, and choke each and every one of you for writing this book (He'd be pissed about the movie as well, but at least the movie didn't rape, pillage, and ruin Lord Of The Rings). Even if no one has ever come back from the dead up untill now, I still think there is a good chance Tolken will. (anonymous)

Apart from the fact that whoever wrote this has less talent than a junior high creative writer, and has managed to butcher not only one of the greatest classics as well as film, it seems that he has forgotten that it is *already* a novel. The author (and I use that word most loosely in regards to him) has obviously forgotten that the film is based on a book, and has taken in the idea that he could attempt to scrawl out a poorly defined, structured and realized concept. (anonymous)

And finally, here's the show-stopper (so far).

To the author of 'The Lord of the Rings Novelisation':

You are a [filk]ing moron and I hate you. Not only does: http://www.revolutionsf.com/print.html?id=838.html < -- breach any number of copyrights, it also degrades a brilliant piece of work, it is completely devoid of artistry, coherence, and it makes me want to strangle myself with my own internal organs. You are capitalising on a work of fiction that has already been [filk]ed around enough by the horrible 'adaption' by Peter Jackson.

"I guess they're all wet, eh, Frodo?" Arwen laughed.

What mangled piece of monkey crap is that? Not only is it singly one of the worst [filk]ing puns I've ever heard, if you had gone into anything resembling character analysation, you might realise the Arwen from poor old J.R.R's version would never say anything like that. [Filk], none of the characters would say that, and I get the feeling that even someone with half a turnip for a brain who had been tortured with the kind of rambling mental excrement you produce would never stoop to uttering something like that.

Hydrokenisis? Gee, I wish I could string two random words together to form an idea that is so very wrong on so many accounts. I shouldn't need to point out, but it looks like I do, that Arwen doesn't make water of the Ford rise up, it's Elrond. Put some [filk]ing research into your work, it might make you a better person. On second thoughts, don't bother. You'll be giving handjobs to the CEO of a publishing company soon enough.

A book of the movie of the book? Papa Tolkien would be vomiting in his grave, and I bet even baby Jesus is crying. I'm not even going to constructively criticise it anymore, but I shall again say that I hate you. The internet has spawned some pretty awful things, but you, sir, are worse than the goatse.cx man.

Get your own [filk]ing ideas, and please die. (spacko@onebox.com)


When you're done here, you can head over to Fark.com, where the debate is a-flaming . . .


Alan Kevin J.M. Salvatore-Foster-Stevens thanks you. Courage, my friends. Courage.

By Tequila at Fark.com.

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