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What Would Conan the Barbarian Do?
Contest Hosted by Joe Crowe

Today's Dilemma: What is the most important thing in life?


Soft lavatory paper!
Wait, CoNAN the Barbarian? (metalock_88422@yahoo.com)

"Pec implants." (capndunzzl@aol.com)

"Once I was a Barbarian, then a Destroyer. Now I'm content with being an Adventurer. You should become one too. Just watch out for a villain who looks like a Cobra soldier, and do NOT get a baby phoenix for a sidekick." (wolvie110@hotmail.com)

"Protection...because there's nothing worse than seeing your woman impaled by a rigid snake when it's not yours." (ramnesis@hotmail.com)

"Finding a good god of pastry to swear to whenever you're impressed, BY CRUMB!" (ramnesis@hotmail.com)

"Avoid all child labor activities with job descriptions including "Wheel of Pain" and "Tree of Woe"." (emperor@hot-shot.com)

"Royalties. That's right, a good copyright on the whole "barbarian hero saves the world from evil" thing and I could have retired years ago. But noooo, I had to go after one damsel after another and never get around to making sure that I would get paid off if someone else wanted in on my gig. Now look at me, washed up, with a harem full of nagging wives, mounting bills and now freakin PETA is breathing down my neck for that whole giant snake incident, meanwhile filkin Kull has a kingdom, the freakin Beastmaster is syndicated on national TV and there's another cheesy ripoff coming out next month. Damn." (see317@attbi.com)

"Well, my friend, life is all about treasuring the little things that make you happy. Running your sword through an opponent...beheading your enemies...lots of sex...an eighties hairstyle...that's what life is all about." (lord_soth4367@yahoo.com)

"Well, I've already crushed my enemies, I have seen them driven before me, and I have heard plenty of lamentations from the women...what I really need right now is a second chance with Princess Jehnna, cause, man, was I stupid when I said no to THAT fine piece." (splifford@hotmail.com)

By Crom, his answer would be:

"To krush yoar enemies'! To see zeir motorcycles driven befoar you! And to hear ze lamentaytions of zeir cloaz and boots.... And to foarget to say 'Please'!" (spamdummy@greimann.de)

"Never punch a gift camel in the mouth... they spit. Instead, liberate crazy amazons who can kick the crap out of everyone else and use a giant toothpick." (emperor@hot-shot.com)

Sharp-swords and loin cloths and a sorcerous sex-kitten;
Axe falling, foes wailing, pikes for the spittin';
Demon-gods thwarted and banished in screams;
These are a few of my favorite things---
When the blade drops, when the whips lash, when I fall to a spell;
I just remember my favorite things, and everything seems just swell;
Swearing by Crom, and cursing my foes;
Sneering and laughing when things come to blows;
Reading bad reviews for any Scorpion Kings;
These are a few of my favorite things---
When the blade drops, when the whips lash, when I fall to a spell;
I just remember my favorite things, and everything seems just swell... (nettroll@email.com)

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